This post is inspired by this weeks topic on A Gay Collab which is about the mask that you wear, and for me that is the mask of being calm, causes, in control, and OK. This is the mask that I ware for all to see, this blog is one of the few places that I let is slip, and there are precious few people that have intimate glimpses of me with out my mask. I wear the mask that I want to world to see not only because I am afraid and convinced that they would judge me harshly, but because it is partly the me that I wish was real.
I put on this mask, because rarely am I actually any of those things, my life and my emotions and state of well being has been out of control for so much of my life that I crave control, which is one of the ways that I am able to pretend to be so responsible and straight laced, I never got into drinking or drugs, not because I did not find them tempting, lord know that I have found them to be just that, but instead because I already feel so utterly out of control so much of the time and I don't want to lose what precious control I do have over my feeling, my reactions and the way I behave. Most of all I don't want to lose control over the part of me that allowed me to sensor my self and to put on the dog and pony show that I do put on for the word around me. I pretend that I am good with my money and that I am good with my spending, there have been many times that my spending has gone out of control and I have spent massively more money then I actually had coming in, on things that where nether needed nor required, but instead bought on pure impulse.(like spending over $100 on iTunes music in a matter of 30 minutes) The only reason that I have been able to pull of the charade is that at other times I don't spend at all other then what bills have to be paid, so then all the extra simply goes into savings, which are have been there to cushion the excesses. If one where to actually see my banking history and my credit card history they would see the truth. The only truly fiscally responsible thing I have done is to never request an increase in my credit limit, or take out another card.
I play the part of causes because I don't want other to see how impulsive I can really be, I pretend that I was doing the safe thing, the things that I have lead others to expect from me. I have not told them of the impulsive and quite often massively stupid things that I have done, the things that when inevitably everything dose come crashing down I am utterly ashamed that I have done. Things that If my parents are to ever read this they should stop right here, because they are things they don't want to know. Things like driving almost an hour to an ex's house to have a one night stand and risking not getting to work on time because of it, while telling those around me I was just going out to hang out with a friend around town, or getting involved in activity's or an adult nature multiple times in my car with various other now ex's. Then there is the going home with dates on the first date, while others think you are simply going out and about. Things that are extremely risky and that are not something that one wares around with pride.
Then there is the calm, very rarely am I actually calm, even though I have perfected the projection of calmness to the outside world, very much of the time am I filled with panic, filled with fear, filled with a storm of emotions that are just moments from braking forth, and carrying me away with them. I project the mask of calmness because if any one where to know what lie beneath it they would judge me to out of control, to emotional, to extreme. Which then leads in to the mask of always being OK the mask where even if I seem a little off it is ok and everything is simply under control, this mask is warn because when things are not OK they really are quite bad, and they are in such a dark place that they are not a place that others would want to hear about.
I wear a mask not because it makes me feel good, no it makes me feel like a lie like I am pretending to be something that I am not, and that I don't know that I ever quite will be, but because if people where to see me without the mask, they would be scared and they would think that I was crazy. If they knew half of what only an extremely small group of people, a group so small that it can be counted on one hand knew, they would not want to have a thing to do with me. If many people in my life where to read my blog and see the glimpse of me with out my mask, the me that I don't even know what I would say to, they would not only not know who they see, but they would be afraid of who they see. That is because I am not the even even keeled person that so many know.
I put on this mask, because rarely am I actually any of those things, my life and my emotions and state of well being has been out of control for so much of my life that I crave control, which is one of the ways that I am able to pretend to be so responsible and straight laced, I never got into drinking or drugs, not because I did not find them tempting, lord know that I have found them to be just that, but instead because I already feel so utterly out of control so much of the time and I don't want to lose what precious control I do have over my feeling, my reactions and the way I behave. Most of all I don't want to lose control over the part of me that allowed me to sensor my self and to put on the dog and pony show that I do put on for the word around me. I pretend that I am good with my money and that I am good with my spending, there have been many times that my spending has gone out of control and I have spent massively more money then I actually had coming in, on things that where nether needed nor required, but instead bought on pure impulse.(like spending over $100 on iTunes music in a matter of 30 minutes) The only reason that I have been able to pull of the charade is that at other times I don't spend at all other then what bills have to be paid, so then all the extra simply goes into savings, which are have been there to cushion the excesses. If one where to actually see my banking history and my credit card history they would see the truth. The only truly fiscally responsible thing I have done is to never request an increase in my credit limit, or take out another card.
I play the part of causes because I don't want other to see how impulsive I can really be, I pretend that I was doing the safe thing, the things that I have lead others to expect from me. I have not told them of the impulsive and quite often massively stupid things that I have done, the things that when inevitably everything dose come crashing down I am utterly ashamed that I have done. Things that If my parents are to ever read this they should stop right here, because they are things they don't want to know. Things like driving almost an hour to an ex's house to have a one night stand and risking not getting to work on time because of it, while telling those around me I was just going out to hang out with a friend around town, or getting involved in activity's or an adult nature multiple times in my car with various other now ex's. Then there is the going home with dates on the first date, while others think you are simply going out and about. Things that are extremely risky and that are not something that one wares around with pride.
Then there is the calm, very rarely am I actually calm, even though I have perfected the projection of calmness to the outside world, very much of the time am I filled with panic, filled with fear, filled with a storm of emotions that are just moments from braking forth, and carrying me away with them. I project the mask of calmness because if any one where to know what lie beneath it they would judge me to out of control, to emotional, to extreme. Which then leads in to the mask of always being OK the mask where even if I seem a little off it is ok and everything is simply under control, this mask is warn because when things are not OK they really are quite bad, and they are in such a dark place that they are not a place that others would want to hear about.
I wear a mask not because it makes me feel good, no it makes me feel like a lie like I am pretending to be something that I am not, and that I don't know that I ever quite will be, but because if people where to see me without the mask, they would be scared and they would think that I was crazy. If they knew half of what only an extremely small group of people, a group so small that it can be counted on one hand knew, they would not want to have a thing to do with me. If many people in my life where to read my blog and see the glimpse of me with out my mask, the me that I don't even know what I would say to, they would not only not know who they see, but they would be afraid of who they see. That is because I am not the even even keeled person that so many know.
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