Trapped & Suffocating

I have been struggling to try to find an way to even half way put what I am feeling into worlds let alone to describe it in a way that any once else can understand, I have finally decided to just give it a go and pretty much stick with what ever comes out, as it is write, otherwise I will never get it out and posted. So please bare with me if things are not quite that clear or they are worded wordlessly. I have been felling so trapped and suffocated lately craving the one thing that I just can't seem to have, the one thing that I want so badly that just is not an option. I find my self feeling so much like the 3 Doors Down song after the jump.

I am feeling so trapped, I feel like I absolutely can't live my life as I am, to allow my self to be me, to live openly and honestly as I am, but that instead I have hid who I really am like I am a dirty secrete, a nasty creature of the night that must hide in the darkness. I want to inhabit the sunshine to not have to hide any more but I know that I can't that doing so is just out of the question, and that hurts it hurts a lot, so much that not even emotional highs can totally kill the hurt, they only severely dull it, providing a spiting distances taste of everything that I so desperately crave, only leaving me worse off then the emotional high wanes back to a more normal level. Instead though I keep moving further and further from that which I crave, further from being the real me the me further from living my life openly. Instead I go retreat further from the place I want to be, killing another little peace of my soul of me as I do so.

I just want to be able to not have to hide to, not have to worry, not to have to worry about being me, about causing conflict and about destroying irreplaceable things. I don't want to have to split myself apart to be two separate people, to have to compartmentalize everything and keep it all softhearted out. What I want is to be able to be one whole complete person. To not feel that I have to hide whole parts of my self to keep the peace. I don't want to have to be retreated back into the closet, I don't want to have to hide to live life other then for me. Yet I can't, and it just keeps ripping me up because I want to so desperately. I don't know what to do!

Comments

The Temptation Of The High

While being balanced mode wise is something that is good and something that I am glad to be, although I do wish that my medications made me feel less drained like I have been dragging a heavy weight around with me while I do things, in part because my mind seems to be sort of slow and just not totally with it at times leaving it to take a lot of energy to concentrate and get things done and that mental energy also has a physical manifestation as well, and is what tends to make me feel the most drained. while it is good to be balanced it is hard to not want to have a taste of the forbidden fruit that I have been brought down from having a minor taste of and that is to be on the more manic side of things. It is times like this when I know that the meds are keeping me from an amazing natural high, that it is so tempting just to stop taking my medications.

Mental Health Awareness

As some of you may or may not know May is Mental Health Awareness Month, and as such I thought I would write a blog post to try and help do my part to help raise awareness, and end the stigma of mental illness. I also hope to show provide some hope in the process. As many of you already know I have a mental illness, and that is Bipolar Disorder, which I was diagnosed with only relatively recently, about a year ago, although I have had it for a nice chunk of my life. It is something that while I am still just in the beginning stages of starting to understand and control, I don't feel that it is something that I should have to be ashamed of or have to worry about others finding out about it. unfortunately though there is quite a large amount of stigma that surrounds mental illness especially "serious mental illness", which they are for those that suffer from them (and those close to them as well) unfortunately though it also makes it sound scarier to those that do

"You Have A Soft Homosexual Voice" Customer

Yes that was one of the things that a customer who took it upon them selves to "preach" to me during my job, while I was stuck helping cut his keys and find the other random items that he said he needed help finding. Strangely this is not the first time I have attracted the type that decided to do some preaching to me to help "being me to Christ" while I'm on the job and their captive audience stuck helping do something for them, how ever this was one of the first times that I really had to bite my tongue to avoid saying or doing something that I would regret and that could get me in trouble with my bosses.

A North West View

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