I am feeling so trapped, I feel like I absolutely can't live my life as I am, to allow my self to be me, to live openly and honestly as I am, but that instead I have hid who I really am like I am a dirty secrete, a nasty creature of the night that must hide in the darkness. I want to inhabit the sunshine to not have to hide any more but I know that I can't that doing so is just out of the question, and that hurts it hurts a lot, so much that not even emotional highs can totally kill the hurt, they only severely dull it, providing a spiting distances taste of everything that I so desperately crave, only leaving me worse off then the emotional high wanes back to a more normal level. Instead though I keep moving further and further from that which I crave, further from being the real me the me further from living my life openly. Instead I go retreat further from the place I want to be, killing another little peace of my soul of me as I do so.
I just want to be able to not have to hide to, not have to worry, not to have to worry about being me, about causing conflict and about destroying irreplaceable things. I don't want to have to split myself apart to be two separate people, to have to compartmentalize everything and keep it all softhearted out. What I want is to be able to be one whole complete person. To not feel that I have to hide whole parts of my self to keep the peace. I don't want to have to be retreated back into the closet, I don't want to have to hide to live life other then for me. Yet I can't, and it just keeps ripping me up because I want to so desperately. I don't know what to do!