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Faith Struggles, And Being The Public Menace.

There is a reason that I sort of suddenly dropped out of the picture when it came to the updates on the fight for marriage equality in my state (Washington) which by the way is scheduled to have a committee vote on the legislation, that that state Senate passed last week, this Monday with it coming to a floor vote before the whole house possibly latter in the week.  However it is not due to a lack of keen interest and desire to see said legislation implemented into law, but my utter drop off in commentary has much more to do with being sick and tired of  reading the articles and especially the comment sections of the article on this issue.  As for the articles it always seems that they have to include the usual handful of rabidly anti marriage equality commentators, and well we all know what they have to say on the issue.

Then of course there are the paper comment sections which seem to draw the attention and wrath of the anti marriage equality crowed like moths drawn to a porch light at night.  where they not only proceed to spew their wrath but where the utter lack of any willingness to even listen to basic facts too.  Which just seems to make me so angry and upset.

I am just sick and tired of having to wade threw pages of both "news" and commentary where I (well not me personally) am called abnormal, not normal, broken, a monster, a sinner, told that for simply even trying to be me I shale burn in hell for eternity.  Let alone that I am a sign of national moral decay, a threat to the very fabric of morals but also to the very fabric of the family.  That somehow my mere existence is threat enough let alone the possibility of having equal rights, that not only do they have to eradicate that but they have to pray to god to keep it from being and to stop the "curse" that is gays and gay rights, but don't worry We don't "hate you" your just and evil vial thing that should never see the light of day.

It just rips open old in many cases hardly scabbed over wounds for me and then shoves oceans full of salt into them.  As a part of me still takes these things that I had beat into my self when I was younger and still struggling with the fact that I was gay and actively fighting (for my life) not to be gay, and takes them in on some level as true while the rest of me is fighting these lies, and it just makes me so upset and angry.  It makes me so upset because it is not true, and I know not only logically but some where deep down in my hart and soul that it is not true.  However what makes it so much harder is that many of these people use my own faith against me and it just makes it all that much more confusing.  It makes it so confusing when I can see in black and white what they are saying and that it is written, but at the same time I know in my hart that I am the way that god created me to be, that I was intended to be gay from the very start, and that it was something that I had no choice in.  That it was a very integral basic part of me that god chose for me, and that he chose for me, even though it would not lead down an easy path, yet it is not something that I can easily point to this passage or that passage or even passages in the bible to show others.  It is just threw deep meditation and prayer that I came to understand this. 

Yet I still find my self fighting bouts of uncertainty and doubt about what as best I can describe it god has told me, although with out the direct speaking that some claim to revise.  it makes me worry and fear that maybe they are right and that I have been tricked into thinking that it is god that has brought about this understanding and euphony and instead it is the influences of evil that have done so.  I know many will think that I am foolish not only for having these sorts of concerns but that I am also foolish for even still having faith and believing at all.  Which only seems to make things more complicated and difficult as it seems the faith community is ill prepared to deal with this and the LGBT community see any religious belief as a threat and there for I am to them also an horrible evil person that should not see the light of day either because I struggle with my faith but hold onto it because it is so very important to me!  Which only helps to make me feel like an even more confused misfit.

I don't want to end on a down not however because things still look good by a long shot, matter of fact I am very much looking forward to the little trip I am taking the Eugene Oregon for the showing of Depfox's film The Right To Love: An American Family, which I am very excited about, matter of fact I have already gotten the car all cleaned and ready for the trip and have the list of what I need to remember to bring with me typed up and ready to print off.   That will be fun and I hope to be making at least a quick YouTube video tomorrow as not only a quick update on how I'm doing but to share how excited I am, and some of the prep for my little trip. (its like a 6 and a half hour drive maybe 7 depending on traffic, so not bad at all, especially when compared to driving cross country)


  1. Hello Matthew...I understand your feelings of confliction about your faith and your identity. But you need to know that you are not alone in them. Many of us have been there, and still more of us are still working it all out. You are no more a misfit than we all are to some degree.

    That said....we look forward to seeing you in Eugene as you are overdue for a big hug.


  2. its vile beyond words how these "christians" use the bible against us. and how they treat their fellow humans, god's own children as something that should be stepped on. your ever so right, it does break open wounds that are barely, if at all, healed.

    but, turn it around the other way, and look at it this way. for some reason we scare the holy hell out of em. and why would that be? I dont know, but thats why they fail against us so hard, they are afraid, very afraid.

    also, "chirstians" need a scapegoat on to blame the less than perfect world we live in. it has to be someone that is not closing the door and letting satan in! it cant be them! it just cant! so, they look for someone to hate, for some one to blame. for a while it was the irish, then women, then blacks, hispanics and now the lgbt folks.

    dont let them keep you down! keep fighting for your right at the table! and if you are wondering why I wrote "christians" and not christians, is because they are christian in name only, in their own mind only are they followers of god.


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