This really is really a multi-front process in my case with multiple stages of progress, but with each step forward it seems that the mental framing is only strengthened for those areas that are still lagging. The biggest hurdle seems to simply be getting past the why me and the shame, but instead starting to embrace it. That which used to be a wrong, something that was bad, that should be hidden away, or fit to be ashamed of, it/they become things that instead of flaws are things that make me uniquely me, that they are strengths and as such they are things that I should be proud of that, should not have to be hidden away, but can become just as matter of fact parts of life as waking up in the morning or enjoying a good cup of (decaf) coffee. It is also the recognition of the fact that if someone thinks lesser of you for what ever it may be, or if they have a problem with it, that it is their problem and it dose not matter one bit, it is for them to work threw not for you to worry about. This may seem like such a simple concept probably because on paper it is, but it is defiantly not the easiest concept to actually not even prefect as I can honestly say that I am a good ways from that but to even start to successfully implement.
I know that I am furthest along with this when it comes to my being Bipolar, as I have just about totally shifted for the mental space of "why me?" and feeling so ashamed of it that it had to be top secrete and feeling that it made me less of a person to actually seeing it as a blessing in disguise, as for all the "bad" that I have gone threw because of it, much good has come out of it. Not only in my creativity, but also in the enormous amounts of inner strength that it has helped me to build up, a strength that has truly made me a much stronger person that I ever would have been otherwise. I can honestly say that I don't thing that I would be nearly as compassionate had I not gone threw both the dark times and the joyous times that I have, coupled with my inner strength and the power that it allowed me to harness and draw upon when others need a crutch to lean on and lighten their loads in a time of need. No it is not a part of me that is shame full, nor something that needs to be pitied but it is a blessing one that has made me the person that I am a person that is exceptionally strong, caring and understanding on the deepest levels. It is also something that with some effort can be contorted and kept in check, allowing me live life even more to it's fullest and to appreciate it for the wondrous gift that it is!
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| Stream Frozen In Time |
That has probably been the easier of the things to get to that point with because it is one that even thought their is still quite a social stigma attached to it as well, it is one that I was not knowingly fighting, and one that had much less deeply ingrained shame, self pity, and almost no self hatred, but the same things that have caused progress in my dealing with and how I view my self, as a whole and in relation to my bipolar, are also the same things that are starting to help me with my being gay as well. However it has and continues to be a harder one to deal with in no small part due to the very much more deeply ingrained self hatred, shame and
self pity no sorrow that I have allowed my self to wallow in for not being straight, as if I had somehow lost something.
I may be
out, or more accurately partiality out, as I am not actually officially out to the extended family. Most specifically on Dads side of the family, whom since they all live in the same city or withing about minutes away, Are a good part of my life and are interacted with on a very regular basses. I say officially because they all know, I just have not actually told them, so it's like an unofficial understanding on their part. Which is something that as of late I am really edging closer and closer towards actually making an official thing, because it is not something that I should have to be ashamed of and it is not something that I should be ether, it is just a matter of fact part of me, just like my height of my eye color. It is also not my irresponsibility to worry about how others will view this information or how they deal with it, that is their responsibility and their problem, it is not mine. My
responsibility is to my self it is to find what I want in life, to live my life to make my self happy and to worry about myself. The only things that I, or anyone for that matter have control over is in fact them selves, not others around them, so doing things just to make others be anything, only they can do that for them selves.
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| The Road Never Ends |
I still have a long way to go, it is like a cross country road trip, the road may seem scary and to stretch on forever, while the road in the rear view mirror even though it was scary suddenly looks so much more comforting even if truing back means giving up on dreams, and experiences, experiences that will last forever, even though it may seem like the easier choice. The thing is that for every mile that you keep going that is another mile you are closer to you goals, and in this case instead of it being a cross country road trip with a city and an event as the end goal, the end goal is to accept my self as who and what it I am and to take pride in all that is me.
Until next time dear readers thank letting me be a part of your trip to where ever it may be, and for being a part of my trip too.
PS. All photos in this blog post are my handy work.
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