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Hot N Cold

Ok so as you all know I have issues going on that are not as under control (no where near as under control) as I would like them to be, now this would make dating complicated enough for any one, as it is admittedly hard to date when you have basically almost no real handle on your own personal life let alone personal emotional state. Which is a pretty important aspect of being able to be able to get your self in a place where you can even start to be ready for a relationship, let alone be able to maintain one, when and if one actually develops.  How ever I thing and do strongly feel that throwing being gay in on top of that adds another layer of complication in that makes it even harder,  I think in addition to the big enfaces on appearance, there is almost what seems like a disproportionate discrimination against dealing with "damaged goods".  It dose not seem to matter how much they like the person or how great they seem to think they are, once they since that they might have some sort of issue they start looking for the exits, and the first opportunity to deploy that emergency slid and bail out. 

I know for me one of the largest problems when it comes to dating, and one of the reasons that I have such long periods between periods where I do date and such short lived relationships is the nature of well my issue that I am so desperately trying to fix, that seems to only be getting worse.  I think the best way to describe it would actually be with this link to the (video of the) Katy Perry song Hot N Cold as that would be a very good description of me in a relationship even though I try quite hard to be level and rational, that often fails miserably when emotionally you are going from emotionally great and nothing can possibly be or go wrong, to every thing is wrong.  Then in addition quite often I will be so moody and edgy that no matter how much I know how stupid it is, how much I don't want to and how much I don't really want to hurt the person I will wind up getting in verbal fights in which I say the meanest nastiest things over the smallest things that I blow way out of proportion. To the point that even asking me a simple every day question that the day before or even a few hours before should have be answer just fine could get an enraged response, so I don't personally blame any of my ex's for leaving me, as I can't imagine that dating someone that you don't know what to expect from them, from one moment to the next.

Then of course add to that the enfaces on looks and I have my problem with weight, which well used to be slightly easier to deal with when things where not so out of control and going faster and faster and now as fast as they are now.  But it is now to the point that my relationship with food could probably be described as probably not healthy, as in it goes from I ether have no appetite and don't eat hardly anything at all to next thing you know I will be chowing down on just about anything and every thing until I am absolutely stuffed to the gills. Activity is in a sort of similar manor, but because of my schedule it winds up being less physical ether I'm stuck at work having to throw what ever freight it is i need to do, or on my days off, I'm stuck at home up when every one else is asleep with nothing to do, and well its the middle of the night so there really is nothing to do and no where to go to do anything, so activity winds up being edgy trying to find anything and everything to keep me busy and entertained online and on TV (often both at once) well until I wind up in one of lows at which point I then well yeah basically don't care about anything at all.


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