Valentines & Other Randomness

So as some of you may or may not be (if you work retail their is no way you are not aware) tomorrow is Valentines day, Named after the catholic Saint Valentine and filled with  romantic iconography like cupid with his arrows of love, which on shot with one will fall in love with the first person they lay their eyes upon .  It's a wonderful excuse to take pause and remind those dearest to you how much they mean to you and truly special a part of your life they are, which is all fine and dandy for those who are in relationships.  Now not being in a relationship, and never particularly having had the luck of having been in one during said holiday it has never been a particularly special day for me.  I personally get tired quickly of the constant advertising as it just drives home the point that I'm single at a time or year when being in a relationship is the most celebrated thing one can possibly be engaged in.  It makes me stop and take stock of my dating life, where I had hoped to be and where I think its going to lead at the rate its going, which dose not usually turn up the sort of results I like.

 When I look at where I want to be at this point in my life, or at least where it would be nice to be/have been I would say I have failed miserably on that front, I have had virtually no success when it comes to creating relationships, I have only had 3, (I don't want to go into much detail since I'm still friends with them) but they did not last long at all a month or less.  My first lasted 6 but we only went on 8-10 dates that whole time (and lived in the same city!, the other two we lived in different cities)  then add to that the fact that its almost predictable like clock work that is at least a year from the time a relationship ends till another one starts, and you have the timeline for my dating,  When I look at this and where I want to be it dose not make me optimistic as I feel that the clock is ticking, I know that I'm not getting any younger, and I'm not on the perfect looks side as it is now. (as all I ever freaking her is if you would loser more weight you would definitely be able to get a date at your age) And I get the strong feeling that short of a miracle no matter how hard I try I'm not going to get that perfect body ether, as mine seems to be perma stuck where it is.(and unfortunately overweight might as well be the plague) I can honestly say that with out any real dating prospects now given that fact that I'm "young" and these are my "best dating years" I really do get the feeling that I am going to wind up growing old alone. I also don't have any luck meeting guys as it is, it probably dose not help as I have mentioned before I don't go the "bar" and never have not one (even though like all my straight co workers and friends have) then again I don't like or go to straight bars. (only went one real bar with some coworkers/friends) I don't quite know what it is, i just makes me extremely uncomfortable, to be there and I feel very uncomfortable with even the idea of even going to a bar even more so with the gay bar as the fact is the one of the divey bars in town.  My luck has even failed at the few attempts I have been able to make at doing "gay groups" activities as no one near my age ever shows up, or if they do they never return for a second time.  I do sometimes wish, that Cupid was real and that he would shot one of his arrows into a nice guy and guide him my way, but alas given my luck he would wind up spotting some one else be fore me.

Now on the the randomness,  I am really beginning to wondering if I'm going to wind up losing it one of these day, and just melting and having some kind super fun mental brake down at work, as things are not seeming to be getting better but are actually seeming to get some worse in some aspects, yet still better then they where at point in the past. I mean I'm am not wanting to kill myself, although I do have periods where I don't care about my self, about anything else or about bothering to live, But I also have my good times when I'm actually really happy and well feel great and am quite productive, unfortunately I am not having any luck staying in one steady mood let alone the nice middle ground. Instead I wind up "cycling" threw moods multiple times a day to the point that I never quite know how to expect my self to be feeling, and my ability to actually be able to make good even short term plans. I really am getting so very tired of this, as it is having a very corrosive affect on my life, the work/shift is hard enough as it is with out going from one being very depressed to quite happy to pissed off and depressed again to happy and sometimes the most fun emotional experience of all and the one that basically on one understands being both like happy and depressed at the same time. Not like like portions of each like emotionally depressed but energetic and mind running full speed and that like happy, its like impossible to explain, its the most frustrating felling, as literally no one understands and its the one that's the most upsetting and that is the one I really do wish some one understood.  I mean like I said earlier the one good thing is that I have as to yet experience a suicidal desire with all this turmoil, so knock on wood, something medication, faith, or willpower wise is working. 

What makes this even larger of a deal is that the manager and the non official non manager position manager both don't know that I have any sort of underlying issue of any kind.  So I do try extremely hard not to outwardly show when I'm emotionally one way or other but I know that I really do fail especially when I get mad which is easy when I'm depressed or well depressed and happy at the exact same time and then get frustrated/overwhelmed by something (although the medication dose help tone it down a good amount) as I at that point am literally just then emotionally then emotionally overloaded and anger is the vent, fallowed immediately by wanting to burst into tears.  It's not like work is the only place that this happens and unfortunately the reality is the blog is actually, short of with my best friend, the only place where I am actually open about all of this and give my self the freedom to open up and let my self just at least let it out in the open instead of keeping it a secret inside. The thing about them not knowing that I have some sort of issue is that they don't understand that when I come in say start working on To Be Worked Freight for a department that is all off by it self with out looking at the list, it's because I am in a emotional state that I can't handle being around being around every one. (normally felling happy and depressed at once) and they will come over and pull me to work on another project over where very one else is and that, which is basically the last thing that I need.  I also know on a logical level that The shift it self has a very large responsibility in exacerbating things to the point that they are now compared to what they have ever been in the past, as grave yards are basically the worst shift that I can work according to the little I have read. Uncertainty the shift is where I'm basically stuck as there is no opening on the closing shift that I used to work on till I was forced/strong armed onto the graveyard  (or day shift) so I'm in the position of having to play the game of will I be able to make it with out having a brake down or not.  
Thank you for your patents with the length of the post, and as always, please feel free to comment I love to hear from you all! :-)