When I look at where I want to be at this point in my life, or at least where it would be nice to be/have been I would say I have failed miserably on that front, I have had virtually no success when it comes to creating relationships, I have only had 3, (I don't want to go into much detail since I'm still friends with them) but they did not last long at all a month or less. My first lasted 6 but we only went on 8-10 dates that whole time (and lived in the same city!, the other two we lived in different cities) then add to that the fact that its almost predictable like clock work that is at least a year from the time a relationship ends till another one starts, and you have the timeline for my dating, When I look at this and where I want to be it dose not make me optimistic as I feel that the clock is ticking, I know that I'm not getting any younger, and I'm not on the perfect looks side as it is now. (as all I ever freaking her is if you would loser more weight you would definitely be able to get a date at your age) And I get the strong feeling that short of a miracle no matter how hard I try I'm not going to get that perfect body ether, as mine seems to be perma stuck where it is.(and unfortunately overweight might as well be the plague) I can honestly say that with out any real dating prospects now given that fact that I'm "young" and these are my "best dating years" I really do get the feeling that I am going to wind up growing old alone. I also don't have any luck meeting guys as it is, it probably dose not help as I have mentioned before I don't go the "bar" and never have not one (even though like all my straight co workers and friends have) then again I don't like or go to straight bars. (only went one real bar with some coworkers/friends) I don't quite know what it is, i just makes me extremely uncomfortable, to be there and I feel very uncomfortable with even the idea of even going to a bar even more so with the gay bar as the fact is the one of the divey bars in town. My luck has even failed at the few attempts I have been able to make at doing "gay groups" activities as no one near my age ever shows up, or if they do they never return for a second time. I do sometimes wish, that Cupid was real and that he would shot one of his arrows into a nice guy and guide him my way, but alas given my luck he would wind up spotting some one else be fore me.
What makes this even larger of a deal is that the manager and the non official non manager position manager both don't know that I have any sort of underlying issue of any kind. So I do try extremely hard not to outwardly show when I'm emotionally one way or other but I know that I really do fail especially when I get mad which is easy when I'm depressed or well depressed and happy at the exact same time and then get frustrated/overwhelmed by something (although the medication dose help tone it down a good amount) as I at that point am literally just then emotionally then emotionally overloaded and anger is the vent, fallowed immediately by wanting to burst into tears. It's not like work is the only place that this happens and unfortunately the reality is the blog is actually, short of with my best friend, the only place where I am actually open about all of this and give my self the freedom to open up and let my self just at least let it out in the open instead of keeping it a secret inside. The thing about them not knowing that I have some sort of issue is that they don't understand that when I come in say start working on To Be Worked Freight for a department that is all off by it self with out looking at the list, it's because I am in a emotional state that I can't handle being around being around every one. (normally felling happy and depressed at once) and they will come over and pull me to work on another project over where very one else is and that, which is basically the last thing that I need. I also know on a logical level that The shift it self has a very large responsibility in exacerbating things to the point that they are now compared to what they have ever been in the past, as grave yards are basically the worst shift that I can work according to the little I have read. Uncertainty the shift is where I'm basically stuck as there is no opening on the closing shift that I used to work on till I was forced/strong armed onto the graveyard (or day shift) so I'm in the position of having to play the game of will I be able to make it with out having a brake down or not.
Thank you for your patents with the length of the post, and as always, please feel free to comment I love to hear from you all! :-)