So to night was one of those nights at work where I had lots of time for my mind to wonder and think while I did my work. (simply working freight alone will do that) I spent a good amount of time thinking about my dating life, or to be precise lack of one, I mean I have not been on a date in over a year (since my last relationship ended) and don't really have a prospect ether. I know I should not get particularly hung up on things like this, and in general I don't. Part of it I know is me, is the fact that I am not particularly into the "gay scene"/bar so I don't really go out and do that sort of thing. It also dose not help that I'm not one that is that up on fashion, or always in the hottest current trend, I like to look nice but I just can't really keep up with what ever the trend is nor is it really that much of a high concern for me. Unfortunately this seems to make it hard to meet guys my age, especially ones that are interested in having a really relationship, not just something physical. Online dating seems to basically just be streamlined version of people trying to get physical relationships with out anything romantic.
I wonder sometimes if there it is that there just is not a gay guy out there that is what I need, that will want me for me. That will want me for the not into fashion not into "the scene" just sort of every day kinda person. I wonder if there is a guy out there that is interested in something emotional, (and intellectual) first instead of just physical, or if I am just expecting to much. It makes me wonder how my life would be if I was not gay.
It is not hard to imagine that my life would be easier if I was not gay, not only would it be easier to find a relationship, I highly suspect I would in all likelihood already be in one instead of being perpetual single far more often then I am ever in a relationship. It would also mean that I could then marry the one that I love, that I would not be denied all the rights all the securities and responsibilities that I am currently denied. It would mean that to start a family would be a much easier process as no one would question our legal rights to do so. I would not have to worry about what others are going to think and how they are going to react, I would not have to worry about the kind of surroundings I was in when simply talking about things that other people take for grate not thinking a thing about. I would not have to travel to the big city (Seattle) to visit some where, where living openly in public is basically a non issue.
I don't mean this to sound like I'm always unhappy with being gay, the truth is that most of the time I would not chose to be straight if it was a choice which it is not. But there are times and this is one of them where, I just get so frustrated with everything that comes along with it that it just kinda all bubbles up, and for me to be honest I have to admit that yes if presented at that point a choice I would have chosen it, as it would make my life all that much more desire. But since their is no such thing, I have to try to focus on the good in it now and working towards the change that I desire to see for it, and hope that things work out in the end. After all some one dose have to be out there.
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