So I really would like to encourage all my reads to read my newly edited and improved previous post, as this one will be some what of a continuation of that one. It is going to be changing gears somewhat, I do promise it will be much less of a "bitch and moan fest". Instead this post is going to be focusing much more on concrete material, as well as much more personal material, that I hope will help me by providing some form of open almost liberation, but also to help you my readers understand me and were I'm coming from better. I have also decided that in keeping with the very personal spirit of this post, all the decorative photography in it will be mine, so I do hope you enjoy it.
Ok so where do I start, well first things first, I would like to start by sharing that I am no stranger to very sever bouts of depression. They are something that I have been dealing with since I was about 16-17. For me they are something that have always suddenly spiraled quickly downward into a dark enveloping abis, leaving me were I did not care about living. That dose not mean I want to be dead, wanting to be dead and not caring about living are to very different things as we will see later on. Life for me when I don't care about living means that I don't care to bother looking for anything out of it, and I don't care to bother to put anything into it to try to get anything out of it ether. Whether that be putting effort and energy into relation ships with friends, family, or boyfriends, as I don't get any measure of actual happiness from that interactions with the world the people in it, let alone those in my life when I'm in one of my depressed moods.
Then we get into the thoughts, they can start off the most harmless, of "well no one would really miss me if I disappeared into a black hole". Not a thought that all by it self is very threatening, as it's not in any way any thing that could actually become a physical act of harm. some times these thought come and will give in inkling that oh things are going to be going down hill here, but, reality being reality when I'm depressed already I don't normally care that it might be going down hill as there never seems to be hope for an up hill. other times the down hill can just come shooting out of the blue,and my mind would be filled with obsessively racing thoughts about how much I hated living, how killing myself was the only way, how to do, and how I had to do. luckily up till this point gods grace has given me the strength (frighteningly barely) to not actually inflict harm on my self, but to actually have I would guess with out being a personal what I would call a nervous breakdown due to the effort of fighting my desire to kill my self.
Bipolar ll, which means that now the have an effect structure of ideas on how to treat my issue, as I most often refer to when forced to explain such inconsistency's. As people get perplex at why one week they see you and your like talkative energetic etc and the next your just blah don't talk etc.
PS. extra credit if you guess where the title quote came from.