So, So You Think You Can Tell, Heave From Hell, Blue Skies From Pain

So I really would like to encourage all my reads to read my newly edited and improved previous post, as this one will be some what of a continuation of that one. It is going to be changing gears somewhat, I do promise it will be much less of a "bitch and moan fest".  Instead this post is going to be focusing much more on concrete material, as well as much more personal material, that I hope will help me by providing some form of open almost liberation, but also to help you my readers understand me and were I'm coming from better. I have also decided that in keeping with the very personal spirit of this post, all the decorative photography in it will be mine, so I do hope you enjoy it.
Ok so where do I start, well first things first, I would like to start by sharing that I am no stranger to very sever bouts of depression.  They are something that I have been dealing with since I was about 16-17. For me they are something that have always suddenly spiraled quickly downward into a dark enveloping abis, leaving me were I did not care about living. That dose not mean I want to be dead, wanting to be dead and not caring about living are to very different things as we will see later on. Life for me when I don't care about living means that I don't care to bother looking for anything out of it, and I don't care to bother to put anything into it to try to get anything out of it ether. Whether that be putting effort and energy into relation ships with friends, family, or boyfriends, as I don't get any measure of actual happiness from that interactions with the world the people in it, let alone those in my life when I'm in one of my depressed moods.  

Then we get into the thoughts, they can start off the most harmless, of "well no one would really miss me if I disappeared into a black hole".  Not a thought that all by it self is very threatening, as it's not in any way any thing that could actually become a physical act of harm. some times these thought come and will give in inkling that oh things are going to be going down hill here, but, reality being reality when I'm depressed already I don't normally care that it might be going down hill as there never seems to be hope for an up hill.  other times the down hill can just come shooting out of the blue,and my mind would be filled with obsessively racing thoughts about how much I hated living, how killing myself was the only way, how to do, and how I had to do. luckily up till this point gods grace has given me the strength (frighteningly  barely) to not actually inflict harm on my self, but to actually have I would guess with out being a personal what I would call a nervous breakdown due to the effort of fighting my desire to kill my self. 

The most recent of these episodes was only about then end of November last year, (2009) It happened at work, I was well in a depressed but very emotionally well unstable state, which is usually when these things tend to strike. Well luckily (but also one of the reason things have gone uber to heck) I was/am working grave yards at work when the store is closed, well I was working when one of my coworkers said just the wrong thing and it sent me emotionally off the handle.  Net think I know all I wanted to do with every fiber of my being, and what I was fighting to keep my self from doing with every fiber of my being and just barely succeeding, was to take my box knife and use it to slit me wrist open and let the life bleed right out of me.  When I say fighting I mean every muscle in my body was tense, every vain that could pop was doing so. I was shaking so violently with the effort of trying to restrain my self from doing what I wanted to do when I asked sated to my boss (who know I was having issues) "I need to go before I do something to my self" that see looked very freaked. I spent the next hour driving around (like a mad man) trying not to give into the desire to do my self in, before it finally subsided.  At which point I basically had to pull over and well cry uncontrollably and then try to figure how to pick up the pieces of my life again.  As this had only been the latest in a numerous examples.

Well this round of depression which had started well before this most recent as I call them brake downs for lack of a better world, I had finally decided that come hell or high water I was going to get what was causing my life to be out of control under control.   I had finally committed to this time, I was going to stick with it, not give up, especially when medication after medication failed.  That when drug after drug failed even when dosages where adjusted because they would work, then stop, then just send me on roller coasters of emotional highs and lows, which I also finally came clean to the fact that  would experience those sorts of turbulence's but the drugs made them just extremely fast. It was threw this being honest and coming clean that pieces of a puzzle that I did not see my self, that also partly I did not want to see, started to come together.  Those pieces even if I did not want to see them where the pieces that some of my friends had been nagging be about for a couple of years, saying that they thought they fit the answer for the puzzle.  The answer to the puzzle some might not be totally surprised by this, turned out to be, Bipolar ll, which means that now the have an effect structure of ideas on how to treat my issue, as I most often refer to when forced to explain such inconsistency's.  As people get perplex at why one week they see you and your like talkative energetic etc and the next your just blah don't talk etc.

I know that this has been a very long post and I would like to thank you all for sticking with me threw it. I actually find that writing this down and to a measure getting it out in the open, to have said these things out loud. Or in text as the case may be, as a very cleansing as well as a very liberating feeling to it, that dose the soul good. As holding these sorts of thing in to just bounce around as perpetual "dirty little secrets" that can never be aired out, tends to build up almost a toxicity all its very own.  Once again thank you, and Comments are always welcome, I always enjoy feed back and just getting to talk.

PS. extra credit if you guess where the title quote came from.