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Felling Filthy For Loving Guys

So I know it has been a while since my last blog, my work shift has been wearing me down lately (to the point I literally get some of what I need to get done after work done and then pass out exhausted) I hoping that I will be able to again eek more time or have the energy to eek that time in to post again on a frequent basis as I do miss it. (seeing as sort of work its one of my very few forms of sharing my ideas and views and just talking and expressing my self openly with others any more) But I digress.



So today's I would like to try to talk threw my continued extreme discomfort with dating and actually falling in love with and having romantic (and sexual feelings) for men, in a manor that is very often very conflicting as I know that there is nothing wrong with it, and when I am in a relationship (and that truly is a rarity) I can feel that my romantic feelings are right yet I still very much of the time feel that they are wrong. That they are something that I should be ashamed of that, well as they are obvious the most key part of what make up my sexuality are something that are not good, are something that are not right, which even my hart tells me is not true while something else deep down inside at the same time tells me it is true.  I know I have touched on this before some what before when I talked about playing the Pronoun game.  How ever this not only is a matter of semantics but it causes a battle and an almost deadlock when it comes to even the possibility of doing anything to put my self in a situation where meeting/ having any sort of date is a possibility.


I know that that it sounds crazy, to say that I know that there is nothing wrong with me, that there is nothing wrong with my attractions that they are perfectly normal and beautiful and that I know I'm my hart that they are too. Yet that yet I also feel that almost down in my bones a very large amount of the time that It is very wrong, that it is very unnormal and that it is very ugly, to the point that even many times when I am alone and simply even fallowing my one gay online dating profile as I don't go out to try to date at all as I can't even bring my self to do so, I feel like a very disgusting person who should be ashamed of them selves for even trying to even look.  I will often feel so almost unclean that I am extremely paranoid that some one will "catch me" like I am doing something totally wrong, and I feel even more dirty or ashamed if some one dose happen to "catch me" when I'm looking at dating profiles, and the profiles on this site are not at all dirty they are very G rated.  It's the same with how I feel ashamed with when people see my screen saver of underwear add/TV show hotties, etc. I get very ashamed when people even ones that know I'm gay see evidence that well I am from when I managed to be more "proudly gay" and not feeling dirty about such things long enough to well do them. Unfortunately its a fractured sort of thing where on a logical and part of an emotional level yes I am that openly gay, openly "proud" person, yet most of the time I am not, which is unfortunate for my dating life.  As when I'm not that person I tend to run from any sort of situation where there is a strong possibility that any sort of potential exist for actually meeting some one, or where I would be forced to actually gasp interact with time and possibly be filtered with or be expected to flirt back! 

Flirting is one of the worst things for me, as it is one of the part that makes me feel the most filthy, disgusting and just totally despicable, even though at the same time I find it to be very fun and exhilarating and thrilling in very many ways, even though I know I am probably not the best at it. It only gets more complicated with "physical contact" from a simple brush of the hand, to holding hands, or a peck on the cheek to a kiss, they only make me all that much the more conflicted as I increasingly find them in my hart to be something that is so right yet I also emotionally find them to be a part of something that is so wrong, but not in the sexually confused way. (there is no question there I have always know on some level, not only that but never have I been attracted to women romantically or sexually) It gets me so that I am in a constant state of tension, second guessing my self, as my own desires my own emotions my own feelings of this is right are making me feel so wrong, that I act very distant.  I quite often wind up so "distant" and tense that my partners will ask me "whats wrong?  Why are you so tense?".  Worse of all is I will wind up quite often claiming that I have missed "subtle hints" that they wanted to hold hands or that they wanted  a kiss or something along those line even thought I did because I so felt disgusting enough with what ever innocent thing it was that we where doing already that I did not want to do that.  It's like I know and I feel that It's not how I'm supposed to feel about my relationships, as they are truly things to be treasured not things to be disposed things to feel that they are filthy, things to be disgusted at things to be disgusted at my self for being a part of, they are things that my hart know are right.  I Know that this definitely plays a large obstacle into why I don't date much as to me yes dating can be beautiful but it is also a very emotionally draining conflicting painful thing that I don't understand how to overcome what is holding me back form what I see with my hart it can be if only I could figure out how to over come those feeling that come bubbling up from deep down with in.


As always thank you for reading and any comment, feed back and advice would be very welcome and much appreciated.

Comments

  1. Hey, I feel your pain and confusion. Have you given some thought of therapy? I usually am the last person to push that idea. But I think you need a non-partical person that you can talk freely with that you can't let down for feeling the way you feel.

    Have you given any thought to joining a gay support group? As someone who is struggling with gender issues, it's a hard place to be, between what you know is right and what makes you happy, and how you worry about others, what is right, what is weird, etc.... I am starting to give thought to finding a therapist myself.

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  2. I have never really thought about therapy, especially for that, I guess it has always made me nervous. But it is something that I am starting to think really would be helpful to sort out things as I know on a level of personal honesty, even if I would I want to deny it and conveniently gloss over it (which in reality dose not solve the problem) it probably has some sort of affect gets intertwined with my other issues as it is. Ether way it's the seeking the help part, which is the hard part because as ironic as it sounds being that I will openly talk online, I am back at a point where I'm irrationally almost terrified to say I'm gay to someone, and myself find saying/admitting such to be extremely shameful, disgraceful, unpleasant and will do almost anything to avoid doing it most of the time. So in that respect I am also probably my own worst enemy.

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  3. Oh, join the club! I am thinking about printing up tee-shirts! LOL Because while I also am quite open and frank on my blog, the idea of talking to a stranger about intimate details of my life is rather off putting, because I can be rather shy. And I have only told 2 people that I am androgyne, and several of the bloggers I have told, were not to accepting at first. I am so sick of being told that i am just a tom boy....sigh. So, the idea of telling anyone now scares me, even tho a therapist should understand the whole concept of gender issues, it is still rather scary.

    But when you are to the point of being frozen as you are, and I may be approaching that point, you have to finally take the bull by the horns and just brave up. Cause what you are doing isn't working for you now, and it can be so very hard to make lasting changes in our lives.

    I wish you the best of luck what ever you do decide to do! And we are ALL our own worse enemies!

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  4. Hello Mat,

    This was a very personal blog and I know that it must have been very difficult to push that "publish button". Whatever flaws you see in yourself, you need to understand that others do not see you that way at all.

    Growing up in religious or even just conservative places means that, as gay people, we assimilate alot of ideas that are not neccesarily our own. When you hear people say that or act like gay people are disgusting its easy for those ideas to soak in to parts of our consiousness so deep that you don't even know they are there until they bite you in the ass. the thing to remember though is that these thoughts are litterally the echoes of other peoples words and ideas.

    I deal alot with anxiety and fear because my family is genetically prone to that kind of stuff(yay me) and the one thing that I try to hold in my mind when its overwhelming me is the thought that "where love is, no fear can exist".

    I think something similar is at work for you. I hear that same-sex touch, dating, and flirting make you feel disgusting, but what of love. That feeling of inner rightness may just banish all those prerecorded tapes out the window as the trash they are. And I hate to say it but dating, flirting, touch...all of these are avenues to finding that love. Not neccesities...just avenues.

    thats were I found my strength, in acknowledging that the love I felt was real and worth sacrificing for. But you may find it on a different path. finding confidence as a gay man for you may mean doing more non-romance type activities in the gay community. Perhaps getting out of an environement that participates in your ability to shame yourself and taking positive trips into an environment that would give you more life affirming messages about what it means to be gay will allow you to look in the mirror with a sense of appreciation that may help you get back in touch with your basic goodness. the same basic goodness that we can already see in you.

    just my two cents

    bryan

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