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What Is Progress, & How Dose One Know If It's Being Made?

I know it has been a while since my last post, but I guess that is water under the bridge now, and instead of trying to give a quick recap of everything that has happened since my last post, which given the abilities of my memory (especially the lack of it and especially to put things in a proper chronological order) would be destined to be a confusing failure, instead I will jump head long into this blog and the issues that have spawned it.

I am seeing (and have been seeing) a psychiatrist (on a practical weekly basis) since after my oh so lovely hospitalization, however I don't quite know what to make of it, nor am I quite sure if it is actually working, then again I'm not quite sure what the goal is, or how the "treatment path" that is being fallowed is supposed to work let alone what would constitute progress along that path to it as yet to me unknown final destination.  I don't know that any sort of head way is being made then again I also don't really and have not really understood my "homework" that i'm supposed to work on between my sessions, let alone how to know if I am actually making progress on it or even doing it correctly.   Nor am I clear at all on what I am actually being treated for any more.  I also am not really sure how to express these question not only in a way that can and will make since but also in a way that dose not come off "wrong" and become a negative destructive thing, as in how to express them in a way that is not to blunt/abrasive. 

To me it seems very confusing because for one thing I don't have and have not had a clear statement from this DR or what it is they think I have and thus what they are treating me for, then their is the fact that there has not been a clearly lade out road map of what the treatment/s are and how they are supposed to interact and what to expect out of each as well as giving me some sing post along the way to measure progress of lack there for of with.  Then there is the total lack of a clearly stated end goal that is being strive for. This approach is also quite different from the one other real recent one that I have experience with which was there was a clearly stated Diagnosis to be dealt with a clearly stated goal of what the ideal out come would be and then basically drugs where thrown at it to try to get the best and closest out come to what the goal was.  This time there seems to be very little going on, on that front, however I don't know enough to know what to make of it.  But I do know that I struggle with most anything where I don't have a clearly stated gaol at the very least, and in the best case clear "mile markers" so that I can note progress to help succeed and measure the success of what I am working towards.

I don't really know how to approach something where the goals are not clear, the problem is not clear the path is not clear and where there is "no one" to lay out a clear definition for at least one or two of those items.  I am then just left feeling more frustrated and disappointed in the whole adventure then if I where to have never done anything at all to begin with.  With out expectations I don't know what to do or how to tell if what I am doing is actually right or not, and expectations are one of the biggest things it would seem are missing out of this whole equation. 

Even this seems to be a failure as I still have not really figured anything out, even after supposedly putting into writing what the dilemma is, I am still not quite sure on if it is, let alone how to even approach it and come up with a solution. I really wish that I had a clear picture of what problem was so that I could at least start to wrap my mind around it and work at a solution to it, or even be given help on solution that can be fallowed step by step to accomplishment, but with out any picture of it I can't wrap my mind around it and have no clue what to do or if I am even actually doing anything or not, with nothing to compare against, it is like going into work and having to try to guess what they want me doing and if I am making progress towards that with out having any clue what projects need to be done, where in supposed to be working and what the desired outcome of my days work would be, it simply dose not work, "things" will get done but its almost guaranteed that they will be of little if any value. If that even make any since, I am just exceedingly frustrated as obviously something is either missing in translation or I'm not getting something I need in order to succeed at this.


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