as the chines proverb says "be not afraid of growing slowly: be afraid only of standing still". This seems be quite appropriate to the post today, as this post is about the slow and continuing evolution of my views towards my medication, and the growth towards being able to understand and change ultimately change those views.
When it comes to medication having to take one indefinitely is not something that most people necessarily look forward to, but in the same token it is something that many simply do like any other basic aspect of their life like eat or drink with little problem then maybe coming up with a system at first to help them remember to take said medication. How ever this has not been the case for me, especially since the medication in question was not for something like say blood pressure of cholesterol (all of which at my age are not even near being an issue) but for the treatment and control another sort of medical condition all together, that being my Bipolar Disorder, the ultimate purpose of the medication being to in conjunction with therapy to help bring the emotional instability better under control and to help keep it balanced in a more normative range. A goal that is not at all out of line with what I my self would/do wish to see be achieved. Yet this dose not mean that
All of this however did not actually mean that it was something that I found easy, or that it was something that I wanted to do or even tolerated doing very well at all. Matter of fact to the contrary taking my medication was something that even though physically it was easy to do, and has no real bothersome side affects, I absolutely hated taking it, which is definitely one thing that probably contributed to my "forgetting" to take my medication quite often. This was in part because I felt a since of defeat when taking the medications, a since that I was seeding power away, power to the medication over the ability to care for my self and deal with my own issues. It was like admitting in a way every day that I was not in control and did not have power over even this most basic part of my life, a part of my life that I also wanted if not to keep secret to highly control the narrative of it that I presnet/ed to others as to control the sorts of judgment that they will/would have of me because of it. To me the feeling of control and the feeling of having control over such aspects of my life was a highly important and quite over riding quality to it, it would lead me to not take the medication as a way of practicing and having ultimate control over my self, even though in reality it would lead me to be quite out of balance and quite out of control emotional.
It was not until I started to realise when I thought that I had control and was taking the power that I had allowed to be seeded away, that instead I was actually out of control, that I was something that lead to me being unbalanced and emotionally less in control that instead I was taking the control and the power away from my self. That instead taking the medication was actually a step of gaining a level of control and a was an actual step to taking the power over myself back, that to be able to be emotionally stable was actually a position that allowed me to size the power that I have always had and to start to take the rains of control back, and direct my life into the direction that I want to go, to allow my self to, "grow slowly" to gain all that much better insight into my self.
So that I can use that insight to deal with all of the problems and issues that collectively makes up the baggage that weighs me down, that hurts me and that I often use to hurt my self. That being able to start to understand this, is part of the first step in allowing my self to grow past it and to grow into the person that I want to be. That the medication is not taking away but instead allowing me to do what I have been seeking to do for so long, that its not a sign of weakness nor a crutch, but instead another tool in the tool box of growth and self improvement.