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Insecurities

I thought I would talk about this topic today as I know it is not something that is exclusive to me but it also seems to be something that no matter how much I try to work on and how many times I think I have dealt with them they always bubble up to the surface.  Most dramatically when in the starting stages of a possible relationship.  It seems that they come out of no where, from the murky depths where reason goes to die, and where rationality rules supreme, a place that is all but impossible to penetrate and thus the ultimate strong hold.

I would like to attempt to bring to light some of my insecurities not only in the hopes that some of you may be able to provide advice on them and how to deal with if not eradicate them, but also in the hopes that in doing so it will at least allow me to discover some of the basic workings behind them and possibly why I have them and such trouble with them.  I will also be skipping over my insecurities about my physical looks as I have made them very clear in the past.  But instead try and dive into some of my other insecurities that often enough cause me much frustration, unhappiness as well as even pose sabotaging threats to my abilities to be in a relationship at times. 

I find my self constantly worrying that no matter what I am not good enough, that I am not good enough for my friends, that I am not good enough for my family, that I am not good enough at work, that I am not good enough for a significant other,  that no matter what I am able to do that it is simply not enough to make me good enough for an of them.  Of course it is more complicated then just good enough as good enough is the simple manifestation the spider web so to speak that is created by the complicated intertwining of all of my insecurities into one large generalization. Some of it based on loosely on facts, observations and a general knowledge of myself my strengths and my weakness but mostly based on the irrationality of my gut feelings that have little to no baring on the reality of any situation.  This web is made up of many components sever strands of which are based on my physical appearance, and strength, which has been delved into deeper in other post, with the short story being that it is still a major hang up of mine.  The rest are even deeper and seeming harder to overcome, as they also seem to be ones that are even harder to change let alone for me to actually let others in on to know about. 

One of my big insecurity is that I am not smart enough, in very large part because I have not gone to college, and it has never seemed to be the path that I was meant to fallow.  I always worry that I am not smart enough for others, that they will think that I am stupid and simple minded, and thus not worth being around or that I need to go back to school in order to be intelligent enough for me to be worth enough to actually spend their time on.  I have never done that great over all in my schooling career, I have always struggled with a good chunk of the required classes and curriculum.  For one thing I have never been that great with numbers and have been horribly bad when I comes to math, I have also never done that great at English, even though I can at times talk ones ear off, my spelling is atrocious.  I have only ever done well in classes that not necessarily be creative but where the focus has been much less in conveying my knowledge and understanding simply threw essays and all but threw actually getting to talk and express my self verbally where I can for the most part actually explain my self in ways that others can understand.  I know that a part of why I am not great at math or spelling is my tendency to constantly revers numbers and letters, as well as directions up to the point where at times where I even revers things as I say them. I have always felt that I am not smart enough for others as I have never been the grates student which seems to be the way in which intelligence is increasingly and overwhelmingly measured.  I quite often feel inadequate when it comes to my level of intelligence and education especially when those that I am interacting with have a college education or are working on one.

This then also intertwines into my other insecurity and that is that I don't have enough of an education, and that one is that with out an college education in I don't know what I can't and have not found a path that leads me threw one to something I absolutely want to do and love doing.  I constantly feel that my education is inadequate and not enough to cause me to prove interesting and worth while enough for those around me, for my friends and family, and most importantly for those of a romantic interest.  That instead I will be and am some kind of shame and embarrassment, that I'm not truly worthy of their attention let alone any level of admiration in any way at all.  I often fell that no matter how intelligent I may be that ultimately I am extremely ignorant and that I simply don't know it but that all those around me do and that they feel ashamed of me for it, which is something that I should and do feel ashamed about my self.  I also feel a great deal of frustration as I can't find a path that leads me to such higher levels of formal education and on past to an educated persons carer as I have not found any such career that I passionately want to fallow.


I am then insecure about my job, which is actually something that I really like doing, but is something that seems only a fool or an idiot should like let alone want to continue doing any longer then they absolutely must.  Yet I love my job in retail, I like going to work every day, I like getting to interact with all the customers, to always have something different happening and to always be doing different things, that no day is ever exactly the same as the last.  That it is for the most part something that you can not be done in ones sleep as each day is so different.   I feel a fool and like an idiot because I like my job so much and that it seems to fit me so well that I don't really want to do something else, that it seems to be able to provide what it is that I want out of a job.  It makes me feel a fool that I am not career oriented and that instead I would rather work what is considered a job, a job of little value and worth, which to me seems to mean that I am a fool of little value or worth.   I fell that there for I must be an disappointment of and ambition-less almost worse then worthless person in the eyes of family and others at large, especially those that seem so driven to pursue a career path, that I must seem like some useless weight that will never amount to much.

I also am insecure about my income, which I know is not considered horrible but in the same light is quite a bit less them many of those who have gotten a masters in this or that specified job description make or will make,  I feel that I don't make an adequate income in the eyes of others to be worthy of their respect.  Not only that, but that I will be seen as an economic anchor or drain a liability rather then an asset to them.   That I will be the black sheep, the one that makes peanuts at their job yet still loves it.  I worry that I will be seen as some kind of leach, as trying to take advantage of others, when that is not what I want at all.  I also feel shameful like I am some how not nearly as good and that I can't provide the kinds of things that some one would need or want, that instead I can only provide inferior things.  I feel ashamed that I will not and can not provide, like I am less of a person less of a man because of it.

These are the strands that make up the spiders web of feeling that I'm not good enough, the threads that seem to be spun out of an unbreakable silk.  That I simply and diminish but that I can't quite make go away, that are always left nagging in the corners of my mind, that I can't seem to dismiss or understand.  I don't know where they come from or why they seemingly have so much power over, but they do.  I can see all the more clearly how absurd they seem when put into writing yet I still simply can't dismiss them as such.  

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