A North West View

This week I would like to write up a quick review of Destiny On The Tracks by Drake Braxton.  This is only the second book that he has written, but I find that this book has cemented him as one of my favorite authors, who is a must read.  I can honestly say that I can't wait to see what his next book is going to be, let alone wait for it to come to press. For now though we will content our self with this amazing read. 

This seems to be a constant struggle of mine, one that seems to throw a wrench in the works of a lot of things. It also seems to play on a lot of insecurity's that I have as well as bad feelings from the past.  It is a topic that has come up recently in therapy with my shrink, as it touches quite a few areas in my life and is one of the big things that cause me to have negative feeling about my self. That thing is that I really don't want to be seen as a women, as womanly or as playing the roll of a women in any part of my life. However those are things that others have blatantly thrown at me making me hyper aware that they think I do/am, and that they seem me as doing and being womanly.  I have a very clear picture of how I want to be seen and how I should be, but it seems to be a picture that I just can't live up to, or in other ways have dieresis that conflict with that desire of how I really should be.  I strongly want to be seen as a real man, as someone that fit...

I find my self feeling lonely lately, especially over the last week with mom out of town and me having the house all to my self all evening when I get off work, I find that it has made me feel exceptionally lonely.  I have found my self wishing for someone to share my life with.  I find my self wishing that I was better at figuring my way around online dating. I just seem to have no luck with it, and it is really the only way for me to scare up date. I don't know what to do with my profile to make it better and make me more appealing to the limited local dating pool.  Sure I could increase the pool if I where to move to say Seattle, or expand my range to Vancouver BC, however I'm not a big city boy. If i where to I would want someone that will live in the city I do. and I love the city I live in, I like my job, and want to be near my family. Bellingham is where my life is. I don't know maybe I just want too much, and will just be single for the re...

I am getting sick and tired of having to tire myself to the tether of pills, to have to take pills every day, pills that deaden my emotions.  That take some of the vividness out of the world and the power of my emotions away. Even if the vividness might be on the darker side, anything is better then feeling numb and lifeless inside.  To feel like you have been mummified and are just making the motions to move through the day, to be like a spectator to your own life. Instead I have been recently left with the desire to brake those bonds to no longer have to be tethered to such things, to instead be normal, to no longer have to take pills. To no longer have to deal with side affects like feeling sort of sedated to have my mind and my thoughts slowed down to no longer have to feel slow and dimwitted. To not have to deal with my mind freezing up at times and being left looking like a fool as you stand there in the middle of ex...

I would like to start off by saying that I know with every fiber of my being that God is a part of my life and that he has never left my side and that he never will, of that I have no doubt. I however wonder though what I have done to diserve to be made to be be gay, and that no amount of praying has or ever will change that.  Leaving me to admit deffet and giving up on that change.  A song played over the radio at work the other day, that reminded me of the time in my life when I finaly had to admit failure on my part on being able to change that part of me.  To have to admit that I was not good enough to change that part of me.  That no matter how much I tired and I prayed that I was just not good enogh to be able to change that.  I often wounder what I did and what I have done to doserve to be made gay. Then there is being made to be bipolar, what did I do to deserve this? To diserve to have a surious mental ilness that requires me to take medication for th...

So today I would like to talk about something that might make some people uncomfortable  and is not something that I find the most comfortable topic in the world myself ether, and that topic quite frankly is sex, and sexuality. Yeah that topic that is only supposed to be talked about behind closed doors in whispered voices, not in a forum that is public, even if it is one that to a certain extent is anonymous at the same time. (even though nothing in life even the web is one hundred percent anonymous) However I feel that there is enough anonymity in this particular forum to talk about such a thing and how it pertains to life and especially to myself personally, in an open and honest manor. So with out further adieu I will get started right after the jump.

So recently I realsed that it has now been over two years since my last relationship ended and that in that time I have been in nothing close to a relationahip.  Matter of fact in that two years I have only gone on two dates! I knew that it had been a while since I had been in a relationahip but it did come as a  shock to realise that it had been that long, to tell the truth I think that it is the longest that I have gone since I came out without being in any type of relqtionship.  in that time I can't say that I have not been lonely becuase there have been many times that I have been quiet lonely, yet at the same time I have had no will to actualy seek out a relationship let alone a date.