A North West View

Welcome my dear readers, it has been way to long since in have posted a blog entry, but in part this is a good sign in disguise, this is because in part I have been busy with work, but also because I have been busy finally getting my life back in order from my last bought of depression.  As part of that I have been working almost weekly with my physiatrist on discovering issues that I have, leaning ways for me to become more aware of the things that I think and start to examine why I think those things and to evaluate if those ways of thinking are helping me or hurting me.  I am just starting down what is clearly going to be a long and not necessarily easy path towards the goal of creating a more balanced and thus healthier me.  As part of that I have also been working on decluttering my life, going threw my stuff and clearing out the clutter that has accumulated in my room and all my little storage spots.  This has though taken up quite a chunk of my time, and my at...

I know it has been a while since my last post, but I guess that is water under the bridge now, and instead of trying to give a quick recap of everything that has happened since my last post, which given the abilities of my memory (especially the lack of it and especially to put things in a proper chronological order) would be destined to be a confusing failure, instead I will jump head long into this blog and the issues that have spawned it. I am seeing (and have been seeing) a psychiatrist (on a practical weekly basis) since after my oh so lovely hospitalization , however I don't quite know what to make of it, nor am I quite sure if it is actually working, then again I'm not quite sure what the goal is, or how the "treatment path" that is being fallowed is supposed to work let alone what would constitute progress along that path to it as yet to me unknown final destination.  I don't know that any sort of head way is being made then again I also don't really...

I know that it has been a while since my last post, and this is going to be a quick update as I really don't have a lot of time.  I have not been doing the best but have been trudging along and pushing myself threw it, and hoping to be able to find the light at the end of the tunnel soon.  That and starting at the 1st of July the remodel of our kitchen started so that has been stressful.  I will not be able to do any real blogging for at least the next two weeks as I am out of my room for them as the drywalls and painters work on fixing the dry wall and repainting the whole upstairs of the house, so every thing has moved into my room and my parents have taken it over. I'm not the most social right now that and since I don't actually have any "privet time" on my computer the only way that I can blog is by sending it in as an email from my Cell, which as you can guess it takes a heck of a lot of time to compose.  Not only that but for the most part I have been ver...

What is pride?  I could give a history lesson on how pride first started along with the modern gay rights movement with the stone wall riots, but I think by now that is something that if not all most know, and if they don't they can easily find out or find some one that dose.  Instead I want to try to answer the question of what is pride what dose it mean now and what dose it stand for now.  I want to answer this because like every other thing in life as time has passed things have changed somethings for the better some possibly not all depending on ones view, but they have not stayed statically the same, as that is all but imposable in life.

 Health and being healthy is not always as simple as it would seem and is not always something that you can see and tell simply by looking at some one else, their is one big aspect of health that often can't easily be seen just by looking at some one and that the only way to actually know about is for them to open up to you and tell you how they are doing, and honestly tell you if anything is wrong.  That is mental health, a subject that even though much effort has been put into trying to destigmatize and is something that still has very negative stigmas attached to much of it and that it is still often quite culturally acceptable to portray in very negative lights and stereotypes.   It is the kind of health that can and is often struggle with in the dark, and where having an issue or even an "disorder" is something that still carries a heavy negative weight with it our culture.  It is also something that even if one is willing to admit that their might be somet...

What is control and what dose it mean to be in control?  Is control keeping people even your own family and friends at arms length, not letting them see you, or know fully what is ever going on with you, only giving them rear glimpses control?  Is burying your emotions as deep as you can so that those around you can't ever see what they truly are control?  Is lying to others and telling half truths control?  Is not taking or doing anything that can control your mood even medications, control?  Or are all of these things really signs of being out of control and just desperate grasps at some level of control?  I don't know the answer to these questions because I do keep my friends and family at, at least an arms length so that they don't truly see me, who I am and what I am going threw.  I bury my emotions so deeply most of the time that really it is hard for people to know truly what I am feeling, I lie and tell half truths to those around me....

This seems to happen a lot, even with in the gay community, others are judged on if they are the right kind of gay.  It's bad enough that those outside of the community insist on having a say on if one is gay enough, but them those inside have to as well.  For me I seem to fall in that strange middle ground at times, from those outside of the gay community IE straight people seem to know that I'm gay and I have been told by coworkers that even before I confirmed it to them, that I was pretty obvious and they spotted it from like a mile away.  But when it comes to other inside of the community I seem to be viewed as ether not gay enough, or trying to be "heteronormative" simply for being who I am.  It is a spot that I do find to be a little frustrating at times as no one like to really be analyzed in such a way let alone to be the odd man out, as it seems like their is a very set standard on what one must be in order to actually be a correct gay.