A North West View

I have some great news to share!  For those of you that have been fallowing my blog you will know that for about the last half a year I have been stuck working grave yard shifts, well my days off working in the darkness are coming to an end! As of yesterday it was made totally official that I was official that I got an open closing position so I will now be going back to working the same closing shifts that I had been working before I moved onto grave yards.  I am very happy about this as I have been wanting it since shortly after I got switched over onto graveyards so now that it has finally happened I'm very happy.  It's great because I will finally be getting back to a shift where I can sleep when my body wants to sleep!!  That now I will actually be awake during the day especially and most critically on my day off, which for me is a big step into getting back into being back into out and about in the world when I am not working so allowing me to do things I enj...

I really am having trouble handling anything lately and it's not getting any better, I really am getting to the point that I want to just give up on every thing that I'm doing and supposed to be doing to try to help me live the normal balanced life that I really do want to get back/or too!  It really is getting to the point that doing what needs to be done simply to take care of my self normally let alone the things that are now required as part of the medical process to try to help get me to the life that I want are getting to be to hard to deal with. 

Amongst the gloom there is some bright news, here in Washington state support for Same Sex Marriage has grown by 5% in the last year since R71 was passed expanding Washington's  "Domestic Partnership" laws to extend all the state rights responsibilities and protections of marriage just with out the name, those earning it the nick name the everything but marriage law.

No surprise Bill O'Reilly, is once more sending his no spin zone spinning out of control, as he has taken up issue with a McDonald's add from France, that as part of their "come as you are series of adds" features a subtle gay "them" to it. as the add starts out with the teen sons sitting waiting for his father to get the food from the counter when his cell rings and he talks to one of his classmates as a couple would about how he looks good in the class pic and that he misses them. its not till the end you find out that the class is all boys. and then the tag line "come as you are".

It has been a while since I have posted. a big part of that is simply I am finding it hard to be inspired at the moment. The other part would be that my emotional instability has realy ratcheted up lately. It has gotten back up to being so intense on the down side that when I crash and am down I just want to be dead. I also have to get after my self because it's so intense I feel mad at my self for not being able to overdose on something and just end these the cycles. I am trying everything I know how to do to deal with this, and I hope to be able to hang in there. I am disappointed I had to reup on one of the meds we where trying to get off of, but I don't know if that it or not, I doubt it will. It may sound bad but even though I know there can be good times in my life, I wish I where dead because these lows are to hard and nothing is ever going to stop them from comeing like they do, and I'm tired of fighting them.

Well as the title clearly indicates I'm frustrated, I am frustrated with the direction that my life is going, and now the hope full lights that made it that much less of a chore to not let my self slip back into another dark place have slowly but very purposefully been extinguished.  In stead their being extinguished just seems to highlight the fact that i would say i should pack my bags because I'm on my way to hell but for the most part I'm already there and this just shows that I'm trapped and the sub basement is the next destination so don't bother packing!

I was looking threw Queerty today and ran across a this little pic article which in it's self is very cute, but one of the comment is what caught my attention.  That comment was that basically in our society boys are taught not to show their emotions and most specifically ones what could be seen as weak.  The comment brought up the idea that if in our society we could move away for the idea that a man is weak for experiencing and freely expressing his emotions not only would men as a whole be mentally and psychological healthier but the society as a whole would be heather and much more peaceful.  This idea has kind of struck me.