A North West View

So today's post is going to be just very brief as I should be trying to get to bed (although I don't know how successful that is going to be) but I think for today I'm just going to try to capture a quick "snapshot" of my soul, so hear goes  nothing, ironically at the moment quite the appropriate line as for as many things that seem to be running threw my head and as freaking restless as I seem to be I am also overpowered by the feeling of not caring about anything let alone caring about my self or anything that happens to me or about my life or living it in general. Yet I still fined that just about everything even just the simple act of writing this to be just about emotionally overwhelming yet not writing it is just about as emotionally overwhelming too.

So I would like to talk about the topic of online dating, as it is something that is not unheard in this day in age for anyone in the under like 50 age group, but its something that seems to be an especially common practice among the gay community, in part, it is a tool that really can help find potential partners and dates that in real life are so much harder to find, especially in areas where there are not large gay populations. (or where there is/are not much in the way of gay gatherings and such)   This how ever seems to be a good and a bad thing,

A quick kudos to the state Senate who unanimously(48-0) passed an anti LGBT bullying bill yesterday (after it unanimously passed the house too! 97-0) sending it to Governor Christen Gregoire desk who no surprise has vowed to sign it into law. Sorry that its not a long post today, things are not doing swimmingly for me, my moods really are crashing about quite a lot lately, especially recently i had really wanted to talk about online dating in this post but I am so amped up that I can't seem to keep my mind on track long enough to actually write anything intelligible.  I will save that subject for tommarow. (hopefully I will be able to find a time to site down and write when things are more or less not falling off the tracks) As always thank you for reading and fallowing my posts, comments and feed back are always welcome and apretiated.

So I am going to be trying to write on a more regular basses but I can't promise anything, but I am hoping that slicing the time out of the day to write a post will be something that is good for me and that it will help me to at least have one goal that I can mange to accomplish.  I really do hope to accomplish this goal although I can't promise that I will as things are not quite all "sunny in Philadelphia" so to say, to the point that was/ to a certain extent am ready after less then a week from my last visit with my doctor to call and basically demand to be taken off all my medication as I don't think its helping at all now and I really can't stand the side affects any more and I think that they are just getting worse.  But I digress as that is not what I plan on this post being about. so what I want to talk about is my one could say conflict when it comes to my "femininity" as it has been pointed out by many people I am not the most masculine g...

So I have been having my emotional ups and downs lately (it dose not help that work has turned into one B.S. fest) but they have also highlighted some of my other issues, along with making things very hard and generally unpleasant to deal with most of the time.  One of them being the fact that in a little over 3 months (June 23) that I will be 24, and that my life is no where near where I had wanted it to be,  nor do I see it getting there any time soon.

So today I would like to talk about another personal topic, so please bare with me if I seem to get a little off track, as I will try to keep things as directed as possible.  So today I would like to talk about and try to explore why I spend so much time feeling so ill at ease in my own skin, why I worry I'm to gay and not my self, yet not knowing who that "self" that I'm worried I'm not being is.  I find my self doubting and uncomfortable with many of my "new" interest, and the gay ways that I will catch my self behaving, whether its some sort of remark, or just "way" of doing something, or just what I feel my general vibe is, I find it on worrying, and discomforting, I fear/worry that I have lost/ am not showing my self that was there before the gay, yet its a self that I really can't identify.  It is like the "self" that I feel that I am losing is not actually a real one but the problem is that I have spent so much time...

So I know it has been a while since my last blog, my work shift has been wearing me down lately (to the point I literally get some of what I need to get done after work done and then pass out exhausted) I hoping that I will be able to again eek more time or have the energy to eek that time in to post again on a frequent basis as I do miss it. (seeing as sort of work its one of my very few forms of sharing my ideas and views and just talking and expressing my self openly with others any more) But I digress. So today's I would like to try to talk threw my continued extreme discomfort with dating and actually falling in love with and having romantic (and sexual feelings) for men, in a manor that is very often very conflicting as I know that there is nothing wrong with it, and when I am in a relationship (and that truly is a rarity) I can feel that my romantic feelings are right yet I still very much of the time feel that they are wrong. That they are something that I should be ash...