A North West View

I have been wondering this quite a bit lately, I guess though the first step is going to be defining what the American Dream actually is.  I would say that at least from my perspective the American dream is to have a decent job with decent pay and benefits, to be able to afford to by a decent modest place of your own, and have a decent retirement when your working years come to an end.  Maybe this is childish or overly idealistic, but it is at least my version of  what the American Dream, and one that is very important to me, as well as finding that special man, and raising a family with them. Yet I wounder if big parts of the dream are achievable.

as the chines proverb says " be not afraid of growing slowly: be afraid only of standing still ".  This seems be quite appropriate to the post today, as this post is about the slow and continuing  evolution of my views towards my medication, and the growth towards being able to understand and change ultimately change those views.

I don't know maybe it is just my unease and worry about finances that constantly makes me doubt and wounder constantly if I am on the right path to achieve if not the picture perfect future, that never really exist but that every one has a version of for them selves, if not that at least a secure future. Yet it seems I am never sure that the path I am on and the actions that I am taking to try to fallow it are the right ones, or if instead they are going to lead me into a sudden pit fall that will spell me doom.  I wounder if this is something that all people my age go threw, and that their concerns are all the same but I am always left wondering if it is not so.

Things are clearly starting to head towards a down turn, and it is becoming more and more clear that a dark storm is indeed brewing on the horizon just waiting to edge its way in until it has destroyed all defences and has everything wrapped up in its furry. The negative judgements and self hatred are starting to edge their way in with even more force, as is the resentment over every action and path I take.  With my new found disgust and self hatred for taking my meds the meds that I have been having a hard time managing to take on a daily basis like am supposed to, now I feel even more disgusted and defeated by taking and feel even more self hatred for even needing to take them.

This is going to just a quickie blog, and I'm going to start it off with a question I have been toying with the idea of doing a blog entry every day for a month, possibly next month, and would like to know what you my readers think. Would you like to see me post something every day weather it be a long blog or a short little reflection?

I just don't get it,  it seems that on shows like House Hunters  , Property Virgins  , And My First Place  seem to be populated by so many people my age, and they have budgets that I could only dream of!  I don't get what I am doing wrong I scrimp and save, I stuff the vast majority of my paycheck away into savings each week with automatic transfer! I live less then extravagantly I'm about the most frugal person that I know, and have absolutely no debt.

So I have spent some time today editing and cropping some of the photos I took yesterday at one of my favorite spots to get away and do some reflecting, which happens to be the spot that I shoot my latest YouTube video .  I thought that I would share them today as they are about the only form of self expression that is not winding up being totally frustrating for me right now.  So please do enjoy.