A North West View

I know that one way to define crazy is to do the same things over and over again and expect a different out come, and I also know that to an extent that is exactly what I am contemplating as an option when it comes to how to deal with, handling my disorder.  I know that not taking medications leads me to keep on cycling and that doing so could very well possibly land me ether back in a hospital or worse dead from my own doing.  Yet I am still wondering if I should do medications or if I should forgo them against what seems to be a face of most recommended medical advice, and research for that matter.

Like I said I was probably going to do I am going to be spending some time doing, I am going to be talking more about the recent events in my personal life as well as some other issues that I am facing and choices and all that other good stuff that I am going to be having to make and things that I am going to actually have to come to terms with.  To save some time and to avoid needlessly repairing things I will simply drop a link to the last pos t so that those who have missed it can get caught up, and so that I can pick up right where I want to start anyway, I would also like to direct you to a post from Bryan at Gay Family Values  which after reading his brilliantly written post has inspired me to open up some more and to share more as well. 

I know that many of you, have been scared by my posts lately, and to be perfectly honest so was I as they where raw expressions of how I felt and exactly what I was thinking when I wrote them, even a little held back and restrained if that is possible.  I also know that my sudden disappearance from not only my blog but all my web profiles might have scared you too.  For that I would like to apologize, but also tell you that it was because I was in a place where I would be safe and where I could get some help and get pointed once again in the right direction with a path out of the darkness along with a light at the end of the long tunnel to strive to reach.  I will probably blog on this who episode and experience in much more depth tomorrow and in the upcoming days, and explain much more clearly and precisely exactly what happened. but for now I will tell you that (and I have no shame in saying it, as at times every one gets in over their head and needs help out) I ha...

I keep asking my self this and I don't even think the answer is yes,  I don't feel that there is truly anything that can be done to make this pain go away, let alone stay away.  To make my life worth anything, to stop the hurt that I inflict on others simply by living.  I don't understand why I feel this way why I am this way, and I don't see any way to actually escape it ether while still living.  I feel so ashamed of my self, so worthless and out of control too. 

This may seem a bit late but instead of simply talking about, and poking fun at the fact that the world in fact did not end at 6pm in each timezone on the 22nd, I instead want to share my views on why I think that not only dose this sort of stuff continue to pop up in this day and age but why a surprising large number of "the faithful" seem to so incomprehensibly believe this sort of stuff often with out any question. I think that this has the power to reveal a fundamental issue with the direction that faith is taking in many places with America being a very prime example of this.

I have come to the realization is that I have to come clean not only with my self, but with others, and that I let this out into the open.  I need to do this, not only so that it is not hanging over my head, even in an outlet where I have been the most able to freely talk about all aspects of my life, but so that I can start to remove some of the shame from the other more closed off areas of my public life.  Hopefully by doing so this should allow me to take some of the fear that this will be discovered which has also been keeping me from finding out more about what this really means and how to make things better for my self.

I pray for the strangth not to give in to the pain to not give into the path out that seems to easy and painless, the parth that will put an end to all of this, to all of the pain, to the inveloping darkness that my life is once again becomeing.  I pray for the stranght to make it threw this test, I pray that I make it threw this test, with out falling.  I pray that I this pain go away, that I be freed from all of this, I pray because I can't keep going like this, I don't have the stranght that I have had in the past, and it hurts so much more now, I don't have the power to overcome that I once had.  I pray that the fears be taken away that I don't have to be faced with them, that I don't have to be practicaly cripled by these frears again, these fears that I though I had delt the final blow to so many times before now.  I don't know that I have the strangth to deal with these fears any more.  Please god help me, I can't go threw this again, I don't ...