A North West View

I know that many of you, have been scared by my posts lately, and to be perfectly honest so was I as they where raw expressions of how I felt and exactly what I was thinking when I wrote them, even a little held back and restrained if that is possible.  I also know that my sudden disappearance from not only my blog but all my web profiles might have scared you too.  For that I would like to apologize, but also tell you that it was because I was in a place where I would be safe and where I could get some help and get pointed once again in the right direction with a path out of the darkness along with a light at the end of the long tunnel to strive to reach.  I will probably blog on this who episode and experience in much more depth tomorrow and in the upcoming days, and explain much more clearly and precisely exactly what happened. but for now I will tell you that (and I have no shame in saying it, as at times every one gets in over their head and needs help out) I ha...

I keep asking my self this and I don't even think the answer is yes,  I don't feel that there is truly anything that can be done to make this pain go away, let alone stay away.  To make my life worth anything, to stop the hurt that I inflict on others simply by living.  I don't understand why I feel this way why I am this way, and I don't see any way to actually escape it ether while still living.  I feel so ashamed of my self, so worthless and out of control too. 

This may seem a bit late but instead of simply talking about, and poking fun at the fact that the world in fact did not end at 6pm in each timezone on the 22nd, I instead want to share my views on why I think that not only dose this sort of stuff continue to pop up in this day and age but why a surprising large number of "the faithful" seem to so incomprehensibly believe this sort of stuff often with out any question. I think that this has the power to reveal a fundamental issue with the direction that faith is taking in many places with America being a very prime example of this.

I have come to the realization is that I have to come clean not only with my self, but with others, and that I let this out into the open.  I need to do this, not only so that it is not hanging over my head, even in an outlet where I have been the most able to freely talk about all aspects of my life, but so that I can start to remove some of the shame from the other more closed off areas of my public life.  Hopefully by doing so this should allow me to take some of the fear that this will be discovered which has also been keeping me from finding out more about what this really means and how to make things better for my self.

I pray for the strangth not to give in to the pain to not give into the path out that seems to easy and painless, the parth that will put an end to all of this, to all of the pain, to the inveloping darkness that my life is once again becomeing.  I pray for the stranght to make it threw this test, I pray that I make it threw this test, with out falling.  I pray that I this pain go away, that I be freed from all of this, I pray because I can't keep going like this, I don't have the stranght that I have had in the past, and it hurts so much more now, I don't have the power to overcome that I once had.  I pray that the fears be taken away that I don't have to be faced with them, that I don't have to be practicaly cripled by these frears again, these fears that I though I had delt the final blow to so many times before now.  I don't know that I have the strangth to deal with these fears any more.  Please god help me, I can't go threw this again, I don't ...

I really do want to die, rather then feel like I do now, to feel the most crushing pain, sorrow, hopelessness, guilt and absolute worthlessness.  With my mind raceing out of control, and the most conflicting needs to run and scream and do everything and anything possible, yet to also curl up in a ball, to disappear and to shut down completely.  I would rather overdose my way into a sleep I would never again wake from then to feel this way anymore!

This is the question, unfortunately I don't know that the answer is at all simple, as the secret is one that to reveal I have fear with only make others if not fear me, see me in very badly stigmatized light.  As this secret is one that pertains to a subject that is less then embraced with understanding then with stigma of terrible things and personal weakness and failing.  A stigma that I don't want to be linked with; yet to not share it means that I keep it bottled under wraps, and in the process fear others knowing or learning about it and feel shame over it that I should not feel and should not have to feel. It also means that it is very hard to connect with others because I can't actually share of my self, as to do so and to be able to share with them how I feel, why I feel that way and even my fears and even why I fear some of them, because in order to do so they would have to know what the big secret is.  So I sit here...