So recently I realsed that it has now been over two years since my last relationship ended and that in that time I have been in nothing close to a relationahip. Matter of fact in that two years I have only gone on two dates! I knew that it had been a while since I had been in a relationahip but it did come as a shock to realise that it had been that long, to tell the truth I think that it is the longest that I have gone since I came out without being in any type of relqtionship. in that time I can't say that I have not been lonely becuase there have been many times that I have been quiet lonely, yet at the same time I have had no will to actualy seek out a relationship let alone a date.
In fact the two dates that I have been on in that time have both been with guya that have activly pursued me on one of my online dateing profiles, that for the life of me I don't know why I still have up other then the fact that I really can't be bothered to take them down. I know that it sounds odd to be so indifferent to dateing yet to be lonely and liking to have someone to share your life with at the same time. But a lot has alao happened in that two years since my last relationship ended, one of the biggest things is that literly a matter of months after that relarionahip ended (not becuase of it endeing) I wound up hoaptialized for being suicidaly depressed. Something that is still a dark chaper in my life and something that I don't share with people let alone like to share at all. Then at that time I was diagnosed as being bipolar something that for me turned my world upside down even more then the hoapitlization which itself left me trying to put the broken pieces of my life back together.
This has created for me a new level of secrits that I try to keep from the world, and that I am not keen on sharing with other people, as in part I am ashamed of it, and the hsitory that gose along with it. I feel that people, outside of the little network of people that I have found, will not uderstand it, and that they will see me in a very negative way. I don't want to let people know that I am bipolar and that I have a hsitory of becoming suicidaly depressed let alone that it is something that I have been haopitalized for, as that is something that is bad, and who would really want to date some one with those kind of skeletons in their closet, let alone the risk of such things happening in the future. After all even though I am on treatment that involves taking medicationa for the rest of my life ,(somthing that at times I qutie resent) the diasease is not cured however. Instead it is said to be a matter of time before symptoms reappear the hope is to keep the periods between them as long as posible and to reduce the severity of them, and who really wants that in a partner and who would want to stick with me during bad times, hell I don't want to be with me during my bad times. Then there is the fact that I am not much in the looks department ether, I am not at all what would call atractive well unleas you find diguatingly fat attractive.
Then all of this can be topped of with the fact that anymore I really don't have any sex drive, not that sex was the best thing for me when I did have a sex drive which I really have not had for almost two years now. But even before I lost it sex was something that was stressfull for me much of the time, and that even though I did find it pleasurable it is something that much of the time too left me filled with feelings of shame and regret. Shame for doing something that was so diaguatingly nasty and well wrong, and regrett over letting my self do so. Which really dose not matter now since I have no sex drive at all, it is so non existant that I can and frequently do go for months on end with out even thinling about sex or needing any kind of sexual release at all. During these periods I have no disire do do anything sexual not even look pictures, and even if I do run across them it dose aboslutly nothing for me. I mean the hottest guy out there could apear in front of me strip down naked and start making advnaces at me and I woukd want nothing to do with them at all.
Even when I do have periods of what surfice these day for haveing a sex drive which are few and far between. Even then sex and any sort of sexual release is something that is take it or leave it. To be even more frank back before I lost my sex drive I quite enjoyed masterbating and would have qreat orgasms, but now on the rare occasion that I do jack of (and it is quite a rare ocasion) the results are by far nothing worth writing home about at all. So it is really what is the point of doing it at all if it really dose not provide any real pleasure, but instead is more of a chore then anything, and really dose not releave a sexual frustrqtion becuase there is non there to begin with. All of this leaves me feeling very much like a broken pathetic excuse for a man, especially at only 25. It also makes it hard to be intrested in dating in part because there really is no sparkmof physical atraction towards posible dates, which was why the two dates I have been on in the last two yeara have lead nowhere as there was no spark at all. Not only that but what guy wants to date someone that has all but no disire to have sex at all? I know relationships are not all about sex but sex is an important part of a relationship.
It all leaves me feeling like the least atractive person poaible to date, like why woud any one want to date me at all? Not only that but what would I do if I actaluy opened up to someone about even half of this especialy the fact that I am bipolar and what that has ment and what it means for me and the go runnong for the hills screaming, and shareing thqt shameful secrit with people that I don't want to know about it? How could I handle that? And what is the poinrnof dateing some one of I can't evne fulfill one of there most base needs? Let alone why wou, d the want to date me if I can't? Untill next time dear readers.
Could your meds be affecting your sex drive? Quite often meds for mental health reasons seem to attack the sex drive with a real meanness. You might want to look up the side effects of your meds online and see. If what you are on is causing this, then the next time you see your doctor mention this and see if they can adjust your meds so that your still tightly controlled but regain your sex drive.
ReplyDeleteI'm not really sure what causes people to feel shame and disgust after sex, but its quite common. What you do need to realize is that sex is a natural drive. Yes, dating is hard, and if one is even the tiniest bit outside of the ideal, it makes us feel less than, or even all the way to disgusting. Its hard to feel that way, and the "ideal" is shoved in our faces every minute of every day.
As for feeling shameful about your bi-polar and the hospitalizations, dont. While I dont think that telling someone your bi-polar is a great idea on the first date, wait until they get to know you better, then just start with the bi-polar leaving the hospitalization until later. There is nothing to be ashamed of in being bi-polar, or taking meds for it either. Society still stigmatizes anyone with any sort of mental conditions, which is so 1900's of us. This is something that will only change with more of us coming out as bi-polar, clinically depressed, etc.
Dont give up hope just yet, ok?
I sure will not give up hope, it is just hard sometimes. I will definitely have to look and see If any of my meds kill sex drive, although I am reluctant to stop taking them because they seem to be quite affective, so I guess I will have to see what can be done.
DeleteUnless loss of sex drive is an inherent feature of bipolar disorder, it almost certainly has to be your medication causing it. AS far as feeling guilty or dirty or whatever after sex, I think the blame belongs to a disapproving father who apparently has been a thorn in your side ever since you came out to him. Since you are disinclined to stand up to him and re-educate him on gayness so he stops acting like, well, your father, the best thing you can do is move out if possible and put as much physical distance between you and his disapproving presence as possible. That may help on the sex-guilt issues.
ReplyDeleteWhat would be really disheartening to discover is to learn that not just the meds your on, but any bipolar meds ruins sex drive. I have no idea if such is the case, but you need to know one way or another. If that IS the case, are there meds which counteract that side effect? Perhaps something like Cialis?
Whatever you may think of your appearance, there are doable things you can do to enhance yourself. For example, if you feel you have pretty decent looking eyes, then wearing thick, dark plastic frames are a bad choice for you in that they are distracting looking and deflect attention away from an attractive feature. If you want people to notice your eyes, yet you have to wear glasses, hipper looking wireframes, rimless if possible, would be a better choice because you want them to visually disappear on your face as much as possible so people will more readily take in your eyes.
Also, since you consider your weight a disadvantage, there's something (other than losing weight) you can do to make that chubbiness a positive, maybe something actually sexy. Grow as much of a complete beard and stache as you can, and you might come across as a sexy, younger bear. Bears find facial hair smoking hot and they are quite fat-accepting because many of them are chunky too. (Bears don't have to be chunky, but many are).
I agree with Biki: Stay quite about the hospitalization until way, way later. But bipolar disorder is a physical illness just like diabetes therefore disserving of no shame and the fact that you take medication for it can be characterized as a common, non-event.