Maybe I am weak, maybe I just can't do whatever it is that is the best for me, and damn the outcome! Maybe that is what I need to do not to live not only in an awkward limbo with myself, but also wanting something that i very well may never get. However it also seems to be the very thing that I can't do when it comes to my dad.
Even though he had a "talk" with me after I posted this youtube video about feeling shoved back in the closet,
I still feel very much stuck in that out but in world. After all the talk consisted of being told basicly that he would not sabatage my relationships, but he would not be happy about that part of me or my life ether. Not only that but that it is also my problem if I want more then that. I have tried to reach out to him in the past to help ease him along and help his understanding of things but it has all fallen on def ears so to speak. I know that things are better then when I first came out.
When I first came out he would not even speak to me or acknowledge the fact that I was even there for roughly a month, (which is apparently because he wanted to kick me out of the house but Mom threatened him if he did that she would leave too) things have gotten better but we are still not nearly as close as we where before I came out. I have tried to build a bridge with him when it comes to this, I have tried to help educate him, and it has failed do to him not wanting to do any of it. I tried a book that the person I was dating at the time had given to his parents and it had helped them, that explained that it was not his fault that it was just how I was born. The book was written by people that where involved in the start to the PFLAG movement and also explained that. I read the book so as to be able to help with any questions that he may have about it and tried several times to give it to him but he never even read the book. Instead he seems to be content to leave his relationship with me in the very spot that it is.
Which leads to the problem of his not being happy about me being gay. Which makes it alkward and honestly downright uncomfortable to freely express that part of myself in my own home, so instead I shove that part of myself away. It is like being out yet at the same time being in the closet. Which dose not help me being comfortable in my own skin outside of the house ether, although it is better in my daily life outside of home with me being totally out at work, and it being something that is a non issue. How ever that dose not mean that it is not awkward when we get new coworkers who of course don't know about that part of me and I have to make the decision of if I should let onto that part of me ether. It is a very had dynamic to deal with and leads me to wish that I did not have to live with it. I wish that I could express that part of my self in comfort, like I have like when I went on The Big Gay Vacation, or Seattle pride, or even my local pride (Bellinham pride) where i also helped out at one of the booths. In short I wish to be comfortable with all of myself in my own home. Especially since I am not always so outside of the home ether.
Not only do I wish that I could be comfortable in my own skin at home, but i also wish that Dad would be happy about that part of me that is gay, that he would be happy when I am with someone like he is when my brother is seeing someone. I wish that I did not feel like I was going to be letting him down when I start to like someone. I know that there are some out that that will say to damn it all and that it is his lose if he loses a real relationship with me, however I can't say damn it all, because I don't want to lose it all. I want our relationship to improve to what it was before I came out to him. Yet I don't know that I can keep living in this limbo, because I need a space i can feel comfortable in no matter what, I think that is something that ever one needs and it is something that I such a strong need for yet I don't feel that I can do what it takes to try and fill that need.
Even though he had a "talk" with me after I posted this youtube video about feeling shoved back in the closet,
I still feel very much stuck in that out but in world. After all the talk consisted of being told basicly that he would not sabatage my relationships, but he would not be happy about that part of me or my life ether. Not only that but that it is also my problem if I want more then that. I have tried to reach out to him in the past to help ease him along and help his understanding of things but it has all fallen on def ears so to speak. I know that things are better then when I first came out.
When I first came out he would not even speak to me or acknowledge the fact that I was even there for roughly a month, (which is apparently because he wanted to kick me out of the house but Mom threatened him if he did that she would leave too) things have gotten better but we are still not nearly as close as we where before I came out. I have tried to build a bridge with him when it comes to this, I have tried to help educate him, and it has failed do to him not wanting to do any of it. I tried a book that the person I was dating at the time had given to his parents and it had helped them, that explained that it was not his fault that it was just how I was born. The book was written by people that where involved in the start to the PFLAG movement and also explained that. I read the book so as to be able to help with any questions that he may have about it and tried several times to give it to him but he never even read the book. Instead he seems to be content to leave his relationship with me in the very spot that it is.
Which leads to the problem of his not being happy about me being gay. Which makes it alkward and honestly downright uncomfortable to freely express that part of myself in my own home, so instead I shove that part of myself away. It is like being out yet at the same time being in the closet. Which dose not help me being comfortable in my own skin outside of the house ether, although it is better in my daily life outside of home with me being totally out at work, and it being something that is a non issue. How ever that dose not mean that it is not awkward when we get new coworkers who of course don't know about that part of me and I have to make the decision of if I should let onto that part of me ether. It is a very had dynamic to deal with and leads me to wish that I did not have to live with it. I wish that I could express that part of my self in comfort, like I have like when I went on The Big Gay Vacation, or Seattle pride, or even my local pride (Bellinham pride) where i also helped out at one of the booths. In short I wish to be comfortable with all of myself in my own home. Especially since I am not always so outside of the home ether.
Not only do I wish that I could be comfortable in my own skin at home, but i also wish that Dad would be happy about that part of me that is gay, that he would be happy when I am with someone like he is when my brother is seeing someone. I wish that I did not feel like I was going to be letting him down when I start to like someone. I know that there are some out that that will say to damn it all and that it is his lose if he loses a real relationship with me, however I can't say damn it all, because I don't want to lose it all. I want our relationship to improve to what it was before I came out to him. Yet I don't know that I can keep living in this limbo, because I need a space i can feel comfortable in no matter what, I think that is something that ever one needs and it is something that I such a strong need for yet I don't feel that I can do what it takes to try and fill that need.
Matt,
ReplyDeleteThis is Dave again from Bryan’s blog. I would like to try to help you with your dad but, in so doing, I may have to ask some sensitive questions about him and our conversation could get frank enough that it might not be such a great idea to have that posted forever in your blog where, conceivably, your father might find it and read it. I would like to speak to you by direct e-mail. My home e-mail address starts with “d”, has the word “bear” embedded in it and my sender name will start with “David” and the last name starts with “F” and ends with “zen.” You will have no difficulty recognizing my in your Inbox.
If you would, please temporarily post your home e-mail address either in your profile or as a comment on this thread and, in turn, I will post again here as well that I have it and then you can remove it if you wish.
One thing seems quite clear at this point: Whatever book you wanted your dad to read is way too much trouble and time consuming for someone as unreceptive as he seems to be. You’re not going to be able to hold his attention that long so, if you’re trying to demonstrate that gay orientation is biologically caused, let alone the specifics on how that physically happens, you need better source material that gets to the point right away and is best conveyed in a short authoritative video. I can help you with that.
My first e-mail to you will ask questions about your father’s background, how he treats people generally and how you’ve gone about explaining things to your dad about your gayness. I can best help you if I understand what I’m dealing with and what has happened so far.
Matt,
ReplyDeleteNever mind about your home addy. I was on your YouTube page, clicked formspring and found it there. Message to follow at your home Inbox.
Thanks,
Dave