Why Me? What Did I Do?

So the white washing has once again come undone, if only one of these days it would stick to the rotten wood that lies beneath it!  I am once again, well that would imply that it ever actually went away, stuck asking my self why me and what I ever did to deserve to be gay, to be punished in such a way?  What did I do that was so bad so wrong that God punished me by making me gay, that I was not strong enough, smart enough, good enough to overcome it?  That instead I buckled under the presser,  damning my self and everything else in the process.   Why was I not strong enough?  WHY?

I failed so badly, I just don't know what I did wrong, I don't know what I could have done, and I don't know how to change it, how to make my self normal!! How to change myself so that I can have a normal life, so that I can have everything that I dreamed of having, so that I can be the person I dreamed of being, and the person that I was supposed to be!  What did I do to deserve to be gay to not be straight to not be able to find a girl have a wife, to build a life together with, to buy a house to have kids of my OWN to have a family, to be a good member of society, to have all the family be proud of me!!  Why did all of this have to be taken away from me and why couldn't I be strong enough to fight hard enough to prevent it from happening?

I wish I could go back and change things, I wish I could undue what ever it was that I did to deserve this, that I could have fought harder, been stronger.  That I could have only resisted more, forced my self more, that I could have only made my self normal.  That I could have done what it was that I needed to do to be what I was supposed to be, so that I could be how god wanted me to be!  I wish I could find the strength.  WHY can't I?