I have decided a little after New Years that I would like my goal to be to go back to school and get a college education. I have determined that the only way to do that would be to go to school online, as I need to have totally open availability at work in order to get hours and I need at least 24 hours a week for health insurance and even more then that if I want to be able to pay for college, with out hopefully taking out a bunch of loans.Since I would like to avoid burying myself under lots of debt, I want to try and be able to pay for it out of pocket. I am thinking about trying to start off taking online courses at the local community college.
The thing that is really scaring me is that for one thing I really have no clue what my end plan is degree wise and I really don't know what I want to do carer wise just that I want out of my current job. So I have a big worry that I will spend a lot of money and then wind up in the same boat that I am now, or that I get to the point I absolutely have to make the final decision on direction and not know. Not only that but I am totally lost in if the only associates degree that the community college offers will allow me to have enough options at the end to pick a path or if it will make a narrow path down on the choices and me possibly not like them. And then there is the worry if all the credits I take there will eventually transfer over to another online program at a 4 year college, or if I should start out at one. But the one attraction to the local community college is that if need be I can physically go in and talk to an adviser in person.
I have tried to read some basic information on the whole online college thing and what to know before you start and it has me feeling lost and over whelmed and not understanding things has me feeling like I am very stupid and really doubting if I am even smart enough to go back to school. After all with the exception of a couple of friends I have never been accused of being a smart person at all. In fact it is usually the opposite that is the case. Most people treat me and interact with me like I am an idiot and the confusion that even looking into this is causing me is making me feel more and more like those people are correct and that I am just to stupid to go back to school, and am only smart enough to do what it is that I'm doing now, which is working a dead end retail job.
I feel like I am standing at the bottom of a mountain that I have no idea how to climb and I am not certain that I even have what it takes to climb it. It's as if I am standing at the bottom of mount Everest and all I have is a little Coleman tent and dollar store lantern and a 3 foot piece of rope. I am left with no feeling of confidence in what it is that I am equipped with. I never did that hot in high school, and honestly I have not be in any type of schooling situation since I graduated high school 9 years ago (it will be 10 in June) So I don't even know if I will be learn new things, let alone try do do so squeezed in around my work schedule and everything else that come up in daily life. I'm worried that I don't have what it will take and that I will fail miserably and that it will only prove that I am to stupid and that all those who have said I was or treated me like I am have been right all along. I think if that where to happen I would never be able to get over it.
I know that I have to get a handle on all of this quick if I want to be able to enroll for fall quarter, and that also means figuring out all the hoops that I have to jump through to even try to do so, but I just feel so overwhelmed and rudderless that I don't even know if I am heading in the right direction at all. Or if I should just admit that my dead end job is all that I am ever going to be good enough for.