I am at a loss on how to deal with the issues that I have when it comes towards my feeling about my self, especially when it comes to my sexuality, what makes it all the more confusing is that the feelings that I hold towards my self and how I feel about being gay when it comes to my self are totally the opposite of my feelings when it comes to other people who are gay. When I say opposite I mean exact polar opposite feelings, and I don't know how to over come my feelings towards my self with the acceptance that I have for others, so that I can actually believe for my self things like what my mom posted on my Facebook wall in reaction to my last blog (which I posted forgetting she had a Facebook since she never uses it) "You did not choose to be gay and no one meeting you would guess you were gay i had no clue you were until you told me and I knew some growing up and a lot at work. I love you no matter what and you are not disgusting."
I can't even make heads or tails of why I believe these things even when I try to examine them, it just seems like they are just basic truths like they are the same as the fact that the sun rises in the east and sets in the west of that rivers flow to the sea, universal truths, truths that are just so basic as to be undeniable. How do you change something that is so undeniably basic, and replace it with something that is so contradictory to it? Where do you start when you are trying to make these changes? These are the questions that I have and the questions that I am strugling to answer as I can't seem to find any path to controdict what I feel so strongly is the simple truth of things, even when that simple truth causes me so much pain, as well as mental and emotional tourture. I could really use some help on this yet I don't even know where to turn, or start.
I can't even make heads or tails of why I believe these things even when I try to examine them, it just seems like they are just basic truths like they are the same as the fact that the sun rises in the east and sets in the west of that rivers flow to the sea, universal truths, truths that are just so basic as to be undeniable. How do you change something that is so undeniably basic, and replace it with something that is so contradictory to it? Where do you start when you are trying to make these changes? These are the questions that I have and the questions that I am strugling to answer as I can't seem to find any path to controdict what I feel so strongly is the simple truth of things, even when that simple truth causes me so much pain, as well as mental and emotional tourture. I could really use some help on this yet I don't even know where to turn, or start.
I said this too you in my email response but perhaps the way I said it came out wrong....or perhaps my input wasn't helpful...both are possible :/
ReplyDeleteI see so much struggle to change yourself. You see yourself as accepting toward the sexuality of others but not of your own...and so you fight. You are again fighting too be who you think you SHOULD be. Before you came out to yourself you were probably fighting to be straight...or to convince yourself that you were. Now that you can look in the mirror and say to yourself "I'm gay" you are doing the same thing in revers....you are being the gay man you think you SHOULD be.
What if you dealt with what is. You are gay and that gives you some difficult feelings. Instead of burying them...look at them. It is o.k. to be happy to be gay you know...I give you permission if you need it. Are you hating your own sexuality and not the sexuality of others because you are not happy with being gay?...or is this another attack on a more intrinsic you?...another way to beat down and shame a matthew that is beyond all notions of sexualty because it's THAT matthew that is in question.
As someone with OCD with intrusive thoughts....and as someone who fought his own sexuality....I know from my own experience that the harder we fight against something, the more we get of it. The more I push away my unacceptable thoughts...the more often and horrible they become. The more I blamed my sexuality on temptation and the devil, the more I welled up inside me until there was no room left to stuff it down anymore. I think you are doing somthing similar with your ambivilance toward being gay and that's why it is my opinion that you should stop trying to be the gay man you think you should be(out, proud, etc) and be the man you are.
Perhaps in letting go and dealing with the feelings you are actually having about yourself will allow them to fall away and in their place you will see the Matthew that your mother sees, that all your blog readers and Youtube viewers see, and I see....the handsome, inteligent, and caring man who has a soul full of love that just needs a place to send it. Perhaps that first place should be to you.
So talk to me Matthew....I AM DOUBLE DOG DARING YOU.... Answer that gmail...talk to me in youtube....gtalk me...put it here...but get me. Tell me what it is that you judge yourself on that you would not judge others for. It's not doing you any good letting it rattle around in their unexamined...so get it out of you head and in print.
Your Friend Bryan
and if I wasn't clear, my reccomended step one for self acceptance is:
ReplyDelete1.) Identify and throw out all your "I should be(fill in blank)"
2) Get to know what is under all those "shoulds" and work with it...accept that its not gonna all be pretty. We all have strengths and weaknesses.
3.) Acceptance is not something you create. I have found that it was something I just woke up to by getting to know what was under all the crap I thought I had to be...and all the crap I was tought to be afraid of.
and a final note. You have blogged about your depression and I will reiterate that depression AND anxiety have a strong biological component that can fuel out thoughts beyond what they would be if we did not have those things. Teasing out what is faulty brain messages and what is authentic is not easy because perhaps the core thought is your true believe but it becomes magnified by the part of your brain that is biologically preset to be depressed or anxious.
Don't over think that last point...just use that to be a little kinder and more patient to yourself as you word through what is Matthew...and what is depression.
O.K....enough lecture. Talk to me....
Bryan
Don't hate yourself! How do you deal with a self image that doesnt fit what you "see" yourself as, is important for your mental health. You need to fix that crack in you, and then I think much of the depression will leak away. What matters more than being gay, is how else you see you, do you see yourself as a good person? Can you love the parts of you that have nothing to do with sexual attraction? Could you be using self hatred due to being gay as a sort of scapegoat? A way to label your self loathing that makes you more comfortable dealing with?
ReplyDeleteI think some of your self hatred comes from the negative view that our culture hold for lgbt folks. And yeah, as with any group there are people who are total shits, and people who are nearly saints. But as with any minority its always the bad that is highlighted, never the good.
You're gay, and what else? No one is a one trick pony, we all have many facets to us, as I know you do. Concentrate on all the things you are, rather than just the fact you're gay. And remember, there is nothing at all wrong with being gay, not one tiny nano wrong. Sex is just that, sex. And who we share sex with, who we are sexually attracted to doesnt really matter. What does matter is sharing your heart, your love your soul with someone. It can be in a sexual way, or in a platonic sort of way. And really how can love ever be wrong? Society just has a narrow world view at the moment, something that is beginning to crumble, and not a moment to late!
Learn to love yourself, its the best investment you will ever make.