I would like to share my This I Believe essay that I wrote for my English class. The essay is based on the format of the essays on the this i believe web site, which is dedicated to this types of essays. They are modeled after a 1950's radio show hosted by Edward R Murrow by the same name, where every one from World leaders, CEO's and Celebrities to Teachers, and Secretaries would send in essays and the ones that where selected would read them on air. The essays are between 450 to 600 worlds long and would take about 3 minutes to read aloud at a natural speaking pace. The essays are about a guiding value in your every day life.
Mine is written about a very core value of mine that was cemented in a very dark and trying time in my life, as you can tell from the title of this post which includes the title of my essay this is going to talk about a very sensitive subject matter, so if you are not able to read material like this I warn you now to skip this post, other wise I really wish to share this post with you all.
Mine is written about a very core value of mine that was cemented in a very dark and trying time in my life, as you can tell from the title of this post which includes the title of my essay this is going to talk about a very sensitive subject matter, so if you are not able to read material like this I warn you now to skip this post, other wise I really wish to share this post with you all.
God Is Still There Even When You Want to Die
Light streamed
into the room through the window, however I was numb, void of any emotion other
than tormenting pain, paranoia and the desire to kill myself. I knew I would
kill myself. I had a cocktail of old prescription
medications in my bed side drawer ready and waiting; which was comforting to
know. Like every day there was nothing to live for, as I was certain living would
only be torture and inflict pain on others.
I was certain taking my death out of God’s hands and into my own was the
only way. I was also certain God had
abandoned me in my moment of darkness, leaving me with perpetual pain
That morning I
had to write the letter, telling my family I loved them; that I could not keep
living that way, and keep hurting them too; then take the pills, and end the
hell. However, before I got the chance,
my Dad and Brother let themselves into my room, surprising me since I hadn’t
heard them coming down the stairs. They knew what was on my mind, something I had
never told anybody. They took turns getting some truth out of me; but not how I
was ready to kill myself. They told me
that I ether checked myself into the hospital, or they would have the
authorities do it. So making my only
choice I went with them, cursing God, knowing he had abandoned me again,
extending my suffering.
After waiting hours
in a separate emergency room, I got a bed in the hospital’s mental health unit,
in the process giving up my right to check myself out for 48 hours, or longer
If they didn’t want me to; having no choice I agreed. I was then escorted to the unit, by this time
it was night and time to go to bed. Like
most nights I was up all night except for 3 hours of sporadic sleep. The next morning was filled with nurses followed
by a doctor asking all sort of questions, many personal, and having no rhyme or
reason behind them. At the end they diagnosed
me as Bipolar, along with a combination of medications to take.
They then
insisted I leave the room, which I didn’t like because I had to share it, yet I
wasn’t eager to leave, or interact with any one. As my paranoia made everyone
into a threat. Eventually though I did,
while it wasn’t a pleasant experience, it was better than being hold up in a
room with a window I couldn’t see out of.
That day I started the medications I didn’t want to take, however had to,
then had to prove I took. That night
they gave me my night time medications including a sleeping pill. Then for the
first time in forever, I actually slept through the night.
Which was a
miracle, a small gift form God, yet being there tampered it. After the second full
night of sleep, and feeling the piercing sharpness of depression dulling, and
the all-encompassing paranoia fade too, I saw it as a real miracle, of God
showing his love, as the first step towards recovery. It was then I realized, God had been there
during my darkest times; working through small actions, God gave me the
strength all those days I wanted to end my life; moved my family into action
when I was going to end my life; saving my life. It made me realize that God is
always with you. I know some people
don’t believe in God, however I know it was God.
END
I would like to take this time to say that if you are in this place and you are considering or thinking about such drastic actions as I was please reach out to those around you or any one for help, there is very much to live for even if you can't see it right now.
The fallowing are some links to hotlines, if you can't talk to those close to you please talk to these trained people who are there to help you.
Remember you are cared for by more people then you think.
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